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GamingRendo Hockey League / How About We Change Things Up A Bit
« on: September 13, 2014, 09:53:37 PM »
Seeing as we're preparing to play on NHL 14 for this next season, I was thinking that we alter things just a bit but NOT using NHL teams this season. Instead, we could use AHL, CHL, European League or even, International teams. Thoughts (seeing as I can't post a poll for some reason)?

League Media / Week 4 in Review: A Btosh Joint
« on: June 09, 2014, 10:02:13 PM »
What you are about to read is solely MY opinion. This write up is meant to be both serious and comedic, so if you get offended by any of this, you need to re-evaluate your life. Also, you can contact Rendo for his "super special" ass numbing cream. The jokes in this article are as bad as X Factor playing positional defense.

Welcome to another week in scrubbery! Yet again I am going to recap all of the ďbeautyĒ that came out of the GRHL. Iíd like to first thank SoccerJRC for officially giving up on writing articles; clearly he couldnít deal with a quality product competing with his Slapshot. o0 Black 0o now dominates the defense and French speaking markets, so you are all left with me. YAY!!!! Anyway, I called out a couple of teams last week and it looks like they finally woke the fuck up and played to their capabilities. Letís start with a Western Conference team who Iíve been waiting to see breakout for quite some time, the Anaheim Ducks.

1. Anaheim Ducks (16-10-2, 5-1-1 in Week 4) 2nd in Western Conference, T-3rd in Overall Points

After weeks of being just ok, the Ducks finally took the dicks out of their hands and started playing the hockey that many felt they were capable of. With Dallas seeming to have fallen off of a cliff, the Ducks picked a very good time to step their game up. Special teams for the Ducks rose slightly, with the powerplay going from 35.59% to 37.97% while the penalty kill went from 63.08% to 64.47%.

Shot Differential: As strange as this sounds, the Ducks actually had success while not outshooting their opponents on the week, as they posted a -2 differential. The real big hits came against the Avalanche (-11) and Rangers (-6). Conversely, the Ducks handled business against the Bruins (+6) and Stars (+7)

Players of the Week: Offensively, HuRRt continues to be a force for the Ducks as he led all forwards with 7 Goals and 7 Assists. From the back end, Frazier4Heisman added 5 assists while *gasp* icceman9 had a strong week in net by posting a 2-0 record with an 84SV% and 2.00 GAA. I donít know if Iíd back on icceman to win me games, but hey, good week!

2. Colorado Avalanche (23-5-0, 5-2-0 in week 4) 1st in Western Conference, 1st in Overall Points

The Jawbawkaa and True Complexityís BonerJams had another solid week by going 5-2-0. Unfortunately, losses to Western Conference foes Los Angeles and Dallas were the only things to hinder the Avs in Week 4. Special teams wise, the Avs fell from 43.08% to 41.86% on the powerplay  and from 75.56% to 71.46% on the penalty kill.

Shot Differential: Compared to Week 3, the Avs fell hard in shot differential by posting a pedestrian +14 rating. In both losses, the Avs were outshot; Los Angeles gave Colorado a -9 while Dallas provided a -4. Outside of the two losses, the Avs found a way to win against the Penguins despite a -6 differential. I guess we can thank Anaheim (+11) and Tampa Bay (+10) for the positive differential.

Players of the Week: First overall selection I Beat Up Cakes continued his incredible season by potting 11 Goals and adding 9 Assists in Week 4. I wonder how successful he would be if he didnít lag out so much. From the back end, Jewbawkaa finally didnít suck as he added 1 Goal and 7 Assists. A product of the team in front of him, goaltender Zeno went a pedestrian 3-2-0 with a 73SV% and 3.53 GAA. I guess he really is a product of the Avs, not like Iíve seen him make plenty of big saves or anything.

3. Boston Bruins (19-9-0, 5-2-0 in Week 4) 1st in Eastern Conference, 2nd in Overall Points

Hey, one of the Eastern Conference teams stepped their shit up! Dennis and Stickís team finally broke the .500 curse by going 5-2-0 in Week 4. I think I speak for many here when I say about fucking time. Special teams wise, the Boston powerplay fell from 40% to 38.75% while the penalty kill rose from 77.36% to 81.69%.

Shot Differential: Oddly enough, the Bruins appear to have somewhat struggled in the shooting department as they posted a -1 differential on the Week. The big hit came against Anaheim (-6), while the rest of the week the Bís didnít outshoot or get outshot by more than 4.

Players of the Week: The guy who somehow slipped to the second round of the draft, Stew514 led the Boston offense in Week 4 by posted 4 Goals and 9 Assists. The back end seems to be on constant repeat, as Copy guy bri led the defense in scoring with 5 Assists while Random Meat posted a 4-0-0 record with a 77.8SV% and 2.50GAA.

4. New York Rangers (17-11-0, 5-2-0 in Week 4) 2nd in Eastern Conference, T-3rd in Overall Points

Hey look, another Eastern Conference team who stepped their shit up! Kastor and the Boys had an impressive week, going 5-2-0 and retaining their second seed in the Eastern Conference. Special teams wise, the Rangersí powerplay fell from 38.78% to 30.16% while the penalty kill rose from 81.82% to 82.93%.

Shot Differential: God damn the Rangers take a lot of shots. Not that we didnít already know that, but still. Anyway, the Rags posted an insane +47 shot differential in Week 4. They did plenty of damage early on, as they posted +16 against Dallas and +19 against Calgary on Monday and Tuesday, respectively.

Players of the Week: Apparently the Four Horsemen boys are still good, as GM N1ghtHorse potted 6 Goals and 11 Assists while lipari22 led all Rangers defenders in scoring with 4 Goals and 3 Assists. I wanted to give Kastor the nod in net here, but Rebel posted an impressive 2-0-0 record with an 85.7SV% and 1.45 GAA. Sorry Kastor, this guy just had really good numbers.

5. Toronto Maple Leafs (11-16-1, 4-3-0 in Week 4) 4th in Eastern Conference,  8th in Overall Points

Thereís really only one way to put this: The Leafs confuse me. One week they suck, the next theyíre slightly under .500 and the next theyíre above .500. I legitimately donít know if this team is for real or not, but they seem poised to make the playoffs in the Eastern Conference. Special teams wise, the Leafs powerplay rose from 16.22% to 18.18% and the penalty kill went up from 62.12% to 62.96%.

Shot Differential: The Leafs had a tough week in the shot differential department, as they posted a -6 rating on the week. At no time during the week did the Leafs get outshot or outshoot an appointment by more than four, though.

Players of the Week: Newly acquired QuasarF1ex paid instant dividends for the Leafs, as he posted 2 Goals and 6 Assists in Week 4. From the back end, owner Shady added 2 Assists while IYE413 went 1-1 with a 79.3SV% and 3.00 GAA. Not a bad week for the Leafs at all.

Shart Out time!

1. Commenters from last weekís article: Iím pretty sure thatís the most comments Iíve ever gotten on one piece. I have to say thank you to Zeno, Hab, Jarreaux, Nell, Nastiest Guy, Stick, Heavy, Copy, Rico, Jewbawkaa, Synergy, fluxay and Knivessplah for commenting and creating discussion about that big pile of doo doo.

2. Teams who forfeit and players who donít show up: I hate forfeits. Like a lot. They dilute the product of the league. If you arenít going to show up, get the fuck out of the league and allow players who signed up with aspirations of being active to play. Seriously, donít be a dick. Likewise, teams need to get rid of the inactive players so that they can actually play (the point of this league, right?).

3. Chatbox Fighters/Trolls: You guys make me laugh. I love a good troll now and then, but some of these are just so horrendously bad that I have to laugh at them. Whoever tried to troll Copyís mom is seriously a genius.

4. RejectedRapier: This guy asked me to make him better at the game. I give you a shart out because I tend to make people worse; itís called The Btosh Effect.

5. Blitzkrieg: Well, it looks like youíre finally done on the 360. Iíve had the pleasure of knowing and playing both with and against you since the SSHL days back in NHL 10. Youíre a good person who will be solely missed. Take care of yourself and stay in touch, sir.

Now, back to the dumb shit

6. Los Angeles Kings (13-14-1, 3-4-0 in Week 4) 4th in Western Conference, 6th in Overall Points

At the beginning of the year, I thought that Los Angeles would be a bottom feeder. Clearly, Jarreaux and company have proved me wrong as the Kings have improved every week and look poised to make the playoffs. Special teams were just ok this week, as the Kingsí powerplay fell from 32.39% to 30.12% while the penalty kill rose from 63.77% to 65.06%.

Shot Differential: While the Kings had a fair amount of success this week, they generally struggled in the shot differential department where they finished with a -5 rating. The biggest hit came against Dallas, where the Kings posted a -9 differential just one game after posting a +9 against Colorado.

Players of the Week: Apparently Iíve made RejectedRapier good? One week after giving him very basic tips, Rapier led the Kings offense with 10 Goals and 3 Assists. From the back end, Jordan x NC potted 1 Goal and 1 Assist while owner Jarreaux went 2-1 with a 70.5 SV% and 4.33 GAA between the pipes.

7. Dallas Stars (14-13-1, 2-5-0 in Week 4) 3rd in Western Conference, 5th in Overall Points

Man, what the hell has happened to Dallas? Habfan and the boys looked like they were falling off of a cliff until Thursday, where they pulled out wins against Western Conference foes Los Angeles and Colorado. Special teams fell for the Stars this week, as the powerplay is down to 39.71% from 41.82% while the penalty kill decreased from 68.52% to 64.62%.

Shot Differential: Week 4 was really a tale of two halves; the first half being Monday through Wednesday while the second was Thursday. The Stars had a very rough week differential wise, as they posted a -17. The biggest hit came on Monday night as the Rangers outshot the Stars by 16. Things did improve at the end of the week as the Stars outshot Boston (+3), Los Angeles (+9) and Colorado (+4).

Players of the Week: Owner Habfan5693 has always quietly had success and this week he took the charge offensively with 9 Goals and 4 Assists. On defense, scumbag Flow Pooch clearly thought he was the fourth forward in Week 4 as he potted 3 Goals and 4 Assists. Your job is to stop opposing teams from scoring, bud. In net, xRKC had an ok week as he posted a 1-2-0 record with a 78.7SV% and 3.33 GAA.

8. Tampa Bay Lightning (11-14-3, 3-4-0 in Week 4) 3rd in Eastern Conference, 7th in Overall Points
Oh Tampa. Tampa, Tampa, Tampa. Wanted Canuck and the boys  are seriously underachieving in my opinion, and have been for quite some time. Are they the third best team in the East? Yes. Are they a .500 team? Probably not. Honestly, this team is not bad but I donít think the pieces mesh well together.  This is what Iíve seen:
    i. Their breakout is poor; the forwards hang up high and the defense has trouble with the   big up up ups.
   ii. Because of the poor break out, the goalies get bombarded with shots, which is not good.
   iii. When the forwards do get the puck, they do not move the puck quickly. Instead, they try to do too much, which results in turnovers. Likewise, you guys are quite predictable with the puck, which makes it really easy to take the puck away.

Special teams slightly declined for Tampa, as their powerplay went from 25.93% to 21.88% and the penalty kill fell from 58.62% to 58.33%.

Shot Differential: Remember how I said the Boltsí breakout isnít very good? Yeah, that lack of puck possession, where they posted a -11 on the week. Granted, a big hit to this came against Colorado where the Bolts were outshot by 10.

Players of the Week: Despite the mediocre week, some players did step up for Tampa in Week 4. Assault Godz led the way offensively with 7 Goals and 3 Assists. From the back end, Mr. Obnoxious Gamertag xX13oskiXx added 1 Goal and 2 Assists. In net, SoccerJRC was the better netminder this week with a 2-1-0 record, 75.6SV% and 3.33 GAA.

9. Pittsburgh Penguins (9-17-2, 2-4-1 in Week 4) 5th in Eastern Conference, 9th in Overall Points

Snoopy and the boys were making some strides, but fell back a bit in Week 4 with a 2-4-1 record. Theyíre still in striking distance for the 3rd or 4th seed in the East, but they need to step their game up if they have playoff aspirations. Special teams improved for the Pens in Week 4, as the powerplay rose from 26.79% to 27.54% and the penalty kill went up from 59.57% to 63.93%.

Shot Differential: Pittsburgh shockingly did a strong job of controlling the puck in Week 4. I say shockingly because they only managed a 2-4-1 record. After posted a -8 differential against the Flames on Monday, the Pens outshot Los Angles (+2), Colorado (+6) and Boston (+2). Those are some good teams to be positive against.

Players of the Week: For what seems like every week, Number 9 has lead the Penguins offense. This time, he potted 6 Goals and 3 Assists. On defense, Shotgunsrugery added 4 Assists to lead all Pittsburgh defenders in points. In net, owner Snoopy posted a 1-1-1 record with a 76.7SV% and 2.31 GAA.

10. Calgary Flames (7-16-5, 1-6-0 in Week 4) 5th in Western Conference, 10th in Overall Points

Man, what the hell is wrong with Calgary? Jaxson and the League Officials canít still have a Stanley Cup hangover, can they? This team is good enough to make the playoffs; however, they need to step up NOW. If not, I would personally sell off some pieces and try to get newer players who wanted a chance in return. Special teams wise, the Flames actually improved everything; the powerplay went from 21.67% to 22.67% and the penalty kill rose from 65.31% to 67.19%.

Shot Differential: Like most teams in the GRHL, Calgary posted a negative shot differential in Week 4. With a -18, the Flames took a huge hit against New York, who gave them a gross -19. Like seriously, what the fuck.

Players of the Week: Good old Leto, getting shit done offensively. The former SSHL Capital posted 4 Goals and 5 Assists in Week 4, while Liqara added 1 Goal and 2 Assists from the back end. Rookie sensation jRz D3VIL seems to be falling off a bit, as he posted a 1-4 record with a 76.3SV% and 3.60 GAA. I think the fall in numbers is somewhat indicative of the product in front of him, though.

Transaction Review
Hereís a review of Week 4ís many truncations:


Tampa: xxTeachxx (Tough loss for Tampa. I guess he wasnít showing up?)

Dallas: Drippy Hardin (Canít comment on this seeing as I donít know the player)

Toronto: x Toews 19 x * (I thought this was a bad trade for Toronto last week and now heís gone)

Colorado: ImThunderr (It sucks to see this guy go, but we needed another goalie)

Pittsburgh: l Berra x 29 l *(Not showing up, yay!), pghreaper (Donít know who this is so yeah)


Tampa: The Rising Don (Hereís hoping that he can be active and help turn the Bolts around)

Colorado: KSI Loyal (We needed a goalie, bad)

Pittsburgh: l Fisher l 81 l (For Pittsburgh, I hope he shows up), XxMONTYXxPython (Flesh wound to Pittsburgh!)


Pittsburgh to Boston: Dirtracer91a, KnRsDad
Boston to Pittsburgh: fluxay, toplezz328

This one is interesting. I donít think Dirt was trying very hard in the Burgh so getting Jason and Toplezz back will be good for the Pens. KnRsDad is a good guy and solid player, who should help Boston.

Boston to Colorado: Stew514
Colorado to Boston: Tcx7

Itís very tough to move Rico; however, Stew would be one of maybe three pieces that I would want back. A good trade for us and Boston gets Rico-Dennis-Wally for one week .

Tampa to Anaheim: XxI3oSki17xX, AsSauLt GoDz
Anaheim to Tampa: BMexx, Reggie Hauser

I like this trade from the Anaheim perspective seeing as they bolstered their offense and defense. For Tampa, I like the addition of Reggie a lot; heís a smart center who should help them out.

Dallas to Rangers: Senators 424
Rangers to Dallas: Rebel l 15 l

Very interesting here. Rebel has played very well for the Rangers so Iím kind of surprised to see him get shipped out.

Toronto to Rangers: IYE413, miz3da5reaper0
Rangers to Toronto: PREDS H0CKEY

Ah, so thatís where the Rangers are getting a goalie. I think Rebel is the better option here, but hey, whatever. Miz is a good guy who should hit a lot of things on Broadway. Toronto gets a solid offensive piece in return.

Weekly Awards

To end this awful article, Iím going to present my picks for Players of the Week and Btoshís Bully of the Week. I am pleased to present my Player of the Week honors to:

1. I Beat Up Cakes (11 Goals and 9 Assists) Ė Colorado Avalanche Center
2. N1ghtHorse (6 Goals and 11 Assists) - New York Rangers Winger
3. HuRRt (7 Goals and 7 Assists) Ė Anaheim Ducks Winger
4. Lipari 22 (4 Goals and 3 Assists) Ė New York Rangers Defenseman
5. Flow Pooch (3 Goals and 4 Assists) Ė Dallas Stars Defenseman
6. RandomMeat (4-0, 77.8SV% and 2.50 GAA) Ė Boston Bruins Goaltender

The Btoshís Bully of the Week is awarded to the player who provides a physical presence in addition to a high level of play. The nominations for the first ever GRHL Btoshís Bully of the Week are:

1. Puest (5 Goals, 4 Assists and 46 Hits) Ė New York Rangers Winger
2. Let0traides (4 Goals, 5 Assists and 43 Hits) Ė Calgary Flames Winger
3. xDuchene 9 (8 Goals, 8 Assists and 34 Hits) Ė Colorado Avalance Winger
4. Prodigy x 8 (3 Goals, 2 Assists and 34 Hits) Ė Tampa Bay Lighting Winger

I am pleased to present Week 4's GRHL Btoshís Bully of the Week award to xDuchene 9.

Join me next week for another crappy article. Iím taking submissions for these, so if you have something to say or would like to give a player some props, please PM me. Seriously, PM me something you lazy sacks. Thanks for reading this article, which is clearly as grammatically correct as Copy guy bri.

League Media / Week 3 in Review: An Abbreviated Btosh Joint
« on: June 02, 2014, 08:13:18 PM »
What you are about to read is solely MY opinion. This write up is meant to be both serious and comedic, so if you get offended by any of this, you need to re-evaluate your life. Also, you can contact Rendo for his "super special" ass numbing cream. The jokes in this article are as bad as Jewbawkaa entering stats.

Before we being, Iíd like to apologize in advance for this article being an abbreviated version of the Week 3 review. This past weekend, I had some friends from college come out and we got shitfaced before a Phillies game. We then went to the beach, where I got as red as a lobster. Needless to say, Iím exhausted and whining like SoccerJRC so I elected to keep this steaming hot carle short like Copy Guy Bri. If this article does not meet your standards, please PM Rendo and Heavymetalriff with your complaints.

Welcome to another week in scrubbery! Before we begin, I need to call out the Eastern Conference. Can you guys not be a bag of dicks and all hover around each other every week? Like seriously, one team go like 5-2 each week. Come on now boys. Anyway, letís start this piece of absolute garbage off with some crappy BonerJams team.

1.Colorado Avalanche (18-3-0, 7-0-0 in Week 3), 1st in Western Conference and 1st in total points

Iím going to keep this pretty brief seeing as itís my team. Jewbawkaa and True have built a very well rounded team who appears to be annoying the hell out of people. For those who doubted us, our Week 2 performance was because True went on vacation and left A Lonely Shepherd to carry myself and Jewbawkaa. Anyway, our powerplay rose from 37.21% to 43.08%. Likewise, the penalty kill rose from 71.88% to 75.56%. Those are obviously very good things and raising those numbers should manifest in more success.

Shot Differential: The Avs generally owned the possession and shooting battle all week; however, we did get outshot by Calgary during Wednesdayís 11 PM game. For the week, the Avs had a shot differential of +60, which was the highest in the league.

Players of the Week: It pains me to do this, but I have to give the skater nods to xDuchene 9 (8G, 7 A) and my scrub ass (2 G, 7 A); although, most of my points were secondary assists and the result of stupid things that should not have been possible. In net, Zeno was again strong. He posted a 5-0 record with an 81.2 SV% and 1.25 GAA.

2. Boston Bruins (14-7-0, 4-3-0 in Week 3), 2nd in Eastern Conference, 3rd in total points

Dudes, really? 4-3-0 this week? Is Old Man Nelson really dragging you down that badly? Despite a down-ish week, Dennis and Stick still have the Bís locked into the #1 spot in the Eastern Conference. This team is much better than their 4-3-0 record indicates, so expect them to bounce back in Week 4. In terms of special teams, the Boston powerplay fell slightly from 41.18% to 40% while the penalty kill took a slightly large hit by falling from 80.65% to 77.36%.

Shot Differential: It looks like the Bís struggles were evident in puck possession and shot differential, where they posted a pedestrian +2 for the week. Honestly, the -12 against LA is definitely unexpected by everyone in this league and something that I highly doubt will ever happen again.

Players of the Week: Two-way dynamo Wallywallabee led the Bruins in scoring this week with 2 Goals and 9 Assists while Old Man Nelson provided 2 Goals and 2 Assists from the back end. These players are definitely capable of much more, though (Wally more so than Copy). In net, RandomMeat had a solid week while posting a 3-1-0 record with an 87.2SV% and 1.25 GAA.

3. Los Angeles Kings (10-10-1, 5-2-0 in Week 3), 4th in Western Conference, 6th in total points

Where the hell did this team come from? Having previously struggled in weeks 1 and 2, the Kings really turned it on in Week 3 by going 5-2-0. Both the powerplay and penalty kill of the Kings rose slightly, with the powerplay going from 32% to 32.39% and the penalty kill going from 60% to 63.77% Hats off to Jarreaux and Company for a successful week.

Shot Differential: Despite posting a -11 shot differential to the Avs, the Kings finished in the top four teams in terms of shot differential with a +8 on the week. This new found puck possession definitely factored into their success, IMO.

Players of the Week: I definitely wanted to see someone step up for LA this week and it looks like QuasarF1ex69 is that guy, as he led the Kings in points thanks to 8 Goals and 3 Assists. From the back end, emraith again provided the defensive scoring with 4 Assists. Jarreaux had a solid week in net; however, I have to give props to TCOGAR93, who posted a 1-1 record (the one loss came to the Avs) with an 85.7SV%, 1.51 GAA and a shutout. I get it, he only played two games, but to have those numbers on a game where EA fucks goalies is pretty good.

4. New York Rangers (12-9-0, 4-3-0 in Week 3), 2nd in Eastern Conference, 4th in total points.

Another team who I think is capable of much more, Kastor and the Boys posted an average 4-3-0 record in Week 3. Like I said up top, someone needs to stand out in the East and I think Boston and the Rangers are the two teams who can and will do that. Special teams were rough for the Rangers this week,  as their powerplay fell from 41.67% to 38.78% and their penalty kill went from 83.78 down to 81.82%

Shot Differential: The Rangers had the highest differential in Week 2, but fell down slightly in Week 3 with a +28 on the week. Thatís still good for Top 2, mostly due to a +22 against Tampa.

Players of the Week: I look at this Rangers team and see solid two-way players who may, at times, struggle to score. Slugger921 shouldered the load offensively by potting 9 Goals and 3 Assists. Hopefully he can continue to be a consistent scorer for the Rangers moving forward. On the defensive side of things, Nastiest Guy added 7 helpers, which really shouldnít surprise anyone. In net, Rebel l 15 l seems to have taken on the starterís role. He went 2-1-0 on the week with a 78.9SV% and 2.67 GA

5. Pittsburgh Penguins (7-13-1, 4-3-0 in Week 3), T-4th in Eastern Conference, T-10th in total points.

Much like the Kings, Pittsburgh had a much better week than I think anyone was expecting. Snoopyís boys went 4-3 and are now tied with Toronto for the 4th seed in a very tight Eastern Conference. Despite the success, the Pensí powerplay fell from 27.50% to 26.79% and the penalty kill went from 61.76% to 59.57%.

Shot Differential: Iím kind of confused by the Pens success seeing as they finished the week with a -6 differential. Part of that comes from a -15 differential against the Avs, though.

Players of the Week: For the second week in a row, Number 9 has been the offensive catalyst for the Pens by posting 3 Goals and 6 Assists in three games. Play that kid more if possible, Snoopy. On defense, newcomer Foote Eh posted 3 Goals and 5 Assists. Heíll need to remain consistent all year if the Pens want to make the playoffs. In net, it looks like Pittsburg has a bit of a goalie carousel going. Teravainen x86 had a solid week though, going 2-0-0 with an 81.8SV% and 2.00 GAA.

Break time. Letís get to Week 3ís Shartouts:

1. Heavymetalriff and fluxay: I might be young, but Blades of Steel is fucking incredible. Thank you for bringing back some great memories with your videos.

2. Stick: Not only did this guy hand me a big contract in LG, he then proceeded to trade my scrub ass! This guy gets a shartout for realizing how much he overpaid for me in bidding. No hard feelings bud (Iím being serious here), you guys have a solid team and should do well this year.

3. A Lonely Shepherd: Not only did he carry my nubbyness all week, but he also posted an 86.7 SV% in his one game of net this week. Iíve said this before, but the kid gets overlooked like crazy.

4. o0 Black 0o: I have to give you props for writing every week. This stuff takes a long time and the fact that you crank one out every week is truly awesome. You also show the defenders in this league, which is very cool. My only complaint is that you should never give me an award seeing as I am a scrub.

Ok, back to more scrubbery.

6. Anaheim Ducks (11-9-1, 3-4-0 in Week 3), 3rd in Western Conference, 5th in total points

God the Ducks confuse me. Theyíre a talented team who keeps hovering around the .500 mark. I look at the team that Knivesplash and Unwritten have and see a team that should be second in the West, but they just arenít. Special teams have been ok for the Quakers, as they raised their powerplay from 32% to 35.59% despite slightly lowering their penalty kill from 63.83% to 63.08%. A huge difference, I know.

Shot Differential: I think part of the Ducksí problem lies in puck possession and shot differential where they posted a -18 on the week. Big hits came against Eastern Conference foes New York (-11) and Boston (-7), which both resulted in a loss.

Players of the Week: New guy Synergy l 98 l had a solid week as he posted 7 Goals and 5 Assists. From the back end, Unwritten G added 3 Assists. Goaltending was definitely a problem for the Ducks. Of Tyrant and Icceman, Tyrant had the better numbers with a 2-2 record, 65.6SV% and 7.00 GAA. Tough week for Steve, but I think he can bounce back.

7. Dallas Stars (12-8-1, 2-5-0 in Week 3), 2nd in Western Conference, 3rd in total points

Even with a down week, Habfanís boys are still firmly in the 2nd spot of the Western Conference. I didnít take a deep look into their scheduling, but Iíd have to think that teams are starting to throw top lines out against Dallas. Special teams were actually better for the Stars this week as they raised their powerplayer from 37.21% to 41.82% and their penalty kill from 68.42% to 68.52%.

Shot Differential: A down week appears to have been at least somewhat caused by shot differential, where the Stars posted a -12. The biggest hit was a -19 against Calgary, which is just wow. Iím honestly shocked that the Stars pulled their SOD to -12 after that Calgary game.

Players of the Week: It looks like Dallas is getting scoring from different people on offense as Bobamatic led the way with 2 Goals and 9 Assists. From the back end, Bevstrong added 4 Assists. xRKC overtook Hell Diablo this week by posting a 1-3 record with a 76.45 SV% and 3.26 GAA.T hose arenít the numbers that Dallas is used to getting from the net, so that will have to improve going forward.

8. Calgary Flames (6-10-5, 2-4-1 in Week 3), 4th in Western Conference, 8th in total points

Jaxson and his infinite world of league staff are really struggling here and it is honestly a bit surprising. Maybe Jaxson has a bit of a Cup hangover, so to speak? I still think Calgary can make the playoffs but theyíll need to step their shit up now to fend off a suddenly surging Los Angeles team. Special teams were not so special this week, as Calgaryís powerplay fell from 23.26% to 21.67% and the penalty kill was down from 69.23% to 65.31%

Shot Differential: Remember how I said shot differential wasnít everything? Hereís a perfect example of outshooting your opponents and not coming out on top. Excluding the forfeit against Pittsburgh, the Flames outshot and lost to Los Angeles in overtime and Colorado in regulation. They also outshot Dallas by 19, as previously mentioned. On the Week, Calgary finished with a +16 rating yet still finished under .500. I have to think that pucks will eventually start to find the net for this team.

Players of the Week: Good old Let0 still dominates and led the Flames this week with 7 Goals and 4 Assists. I think heís capable of more, and Iím sure Jaxson and company hope that he can continue to produce like this. From the back end, skullduggery posted 4 Assists to lead all Calgary defensemen in scoring. Earth to jimfromfiles, you are good and need to step up bud; youíre capable of adding at least a point per game. In net, jRz D3VIL was just ok by his incredible standards as he posted a 2-2-1 record with a 65.5SV% and 3.99 GAA. Iím not sure if he just had an off week or if teams are figuring him out, but Calgary needs him to play at an elite level on a nightly basis for them to succeed.

9. Tampa Bay Lightning (8-10-3, 1-4-2 in Week 3), 3rd in Eastern Conference, 7th in total points

Seriously Tampa, what in the fuck happened to you guys? I get that Soccer is bad and all, but 1-4-2? Really? As one would expect with a record like this, the Boltsí special teams took a hard hit as the powerplay fell from 27.05% to 25.93% and the penalty kill went from 65.12% down to 58.62%. Yuck.

Shot Differential: No team was more outshot than the Bolts this week, who posted a -44 rating. Half of that is due to a big -22 that the New York Rangers dumped on them. Colorado also gave them a -16. Iím not going to rip on Tampa too much here; just forget that this week happened and bounce back.

Players of the Week: On offense, itís ya boi Moida F Baby leading the charge offensively to the tune of 4 Goals and 5 Assists. Iím glad to see him step up but I think that he has more ginos and apples in that wand. From the back end, perennial Luke Schenn Award favorite added 1 Goal and 5 Assists. Iím sure he was out of position for all of them. In net, the one and only SoccerJRC somehow got this team two points with a 0-1-2 re3cord, 76.25 SV% and 452 GAA. Believe me, Iíd much rather give an award to Eye Talk Do do, but his numbers were much worse. If Tampa is going to get continually outshot, theyíll need their goaltenders to play unreal every night.

10. Toronto Maple Leafs (7-13-1, 3-4-0 in Week 3), T-4th in Eastern Conference, T-10th in total points

Iím sure youíre wondering why I picked this team for the last spot. To be perfectly honest, I think that Tampa is better than the Leafs despite a 1-4-2 record in Week 3. Toronto has been really tough to gauge all year; they tend to hover around .500 and I canít seem to get a full read on them. Theyíre still in contention for the 4th seed in a tight Eastern Conference and two good weeks could propel them to number three. The Toronto special teams have been just ok all year, the powerplay went from 12% to 16.22% in Week 3 while the penalty kill fell from 65.12% to 62.12%.

Shot Differential: A tough week for the Leafs ended in a -34 shot differential, which big hits coming on Thursday from Los Angeles and Colorado, who both gave the Leafs a -12. Finishing out the week like that is not a good thing going forward.

Players of the Week: All DAII had himself a solid week with 3 Goals and 5 Assists. These arenít bad numbers, but youíd hope that your leading scorer for the week could at least reach double digits. From the back end, owner Shady added 3 Goals and 2 Assists while goaltender IYE413 had a 3-2 record with a 67.7 SV% and 3.94 GAA. Not bad numbers, but not great either.

Transaction Review
Here are Week 3ís Roster transactions:

Calgary: Rabidwolverine(Guy is a solid player, but I guess it wasnít working? Not sure about this move)

Colorado: Haidy x 7 * (Haidy wasnít showing up so I canít complain)

Pittsburgh: Devil Boie (This guy quit out of a game against Colorado so I canít say that Iím surprised. Pittsburgh needs to rid themselves of quitters if they want to make the playoffs)


Colorado: Tcx7 (Hi Rico. I hope your back is fully healed from the last time that you carried me :) )

Boston: toplezz328 (Another solid forward for Boston. Donít you guys already have enough of those?)

Calgary: Slammerama (Holy shit Slam is back! How did I not notice his sign up? Anyway, great pick Calgary)

Pittsburgh: l Berra x 29 l (According to his sign up, he plays on a Top club. Not to diss the guy, but most top 6v6 clubs donít play anywhere. If he is as good as his post indicates then the Pens just got themselves another good goalie)


Toronto to Los Angeles: Jordan xNC, drop1n dumpl1ns

Los Angeles to Toronto: Quasarf1ex69, Emraith, x Toews 19 x

I like the fact that LA moved Toews, but this trade doesnít really make sense to me. Quasar and Emraith solid weeks and then get moved to Toronto? Maybe Jarreaux knows something that I donít, but I wasnít very impressed with Jordan or dumplins when I saw them.


Boston: XxMontyxxpython (Clearly tis more than just a flesh wound)

Weekly Awards
To end this awful article, Iím going to present my picks for Players of the Week and Btoshís Bully of the Week. I am pleased to present my Player of the Week honors to:

1. xDuchene 9 (8 Goals, 7 assists)- Colorado Avalanche Winger
2. Slugger921 (9 Goals and 3 Assists) - New York Rangers Center
3. QuasarF1ex69 (8 Goals and 3 Assists) Ė Los Angeles Kings Winger
4. Nastiest Guy (7 Assists) Ė New York Rangers Defenseman
5. Foote Eh (3 Goals and 5 Assists) Ė Pittsburgh Penguins Defenseman
6. RandomMeat (3-1, 87.2SV% and 1.25 GAA) Ė Boston Bruins Goaltender

The Btoshís Bully of the Week is awarded to the player who provides a physical presence in addition to a high level of play. The nominations for the first ever GRHL Btoshís Bully of the Week are:

1. Xx SpLiFF (4 Goals, 2 Assists and 47 Hits) Ė Anaheim Ducks Winger
2. Let0traides (7 Goals, 4 Assists and 43 Hits) Ė Calgary Flames Winger
3. Skullduggery (4 Assists and 41 Hits) Ė Calgary Flames Defenseman
4. Puest (3 Goals, 7 Assists and 34 Hits) Ė New York Rangers Winger

I am pleased to present Week 3's GRHL Btoshís Bully of the Week award to Let0traides.

Join me next week for another crappy article. Iím taking submissions for these, so if you have something to say or would like to give a player some props, please PM me. Seriously, PM me something you lazy sacks. Thanks for reading this article, which is clearly better than anything Soccer has ever written.

League Media / Week 2 in Review: A Btosh Joint
« on: May 25, 2014, 04:07:45 PM »
What you are about to read is solely MY opinion. This write up is meant to be both serious and comedic, so if you get offended by any of this, you need to re-evaluate your life. Also, you can contact Rendo for his "super special" ass numbing cream. The jokes in this article are as bad as Lee Henry and I playing 2s on Huge Wave Japan.

Hello and welcome to a brand new segment in scrubbery. ďWeek in Review: A Btosh JointĒ is a weekly recap where I recap the week in GRHL better than Soccer can. I apologize for not doing this last week as originally intended. As some of you know, I coach way too many ice hockey teams. One of these teams is essentially the Philadelphia area All Star team for the upcoming Keystone State Games, who had evaluations last week. Needless to say, by the time I got home from a 9 hour work day where I wrote a bunch of poopy websites, I had no desire to write or do anything. You may throw cabbage at myself and HeavyMetalRiff (nice haircut, btw) if you feel so inclined. Anyway, letís get this steaming hot carl going with the team who dominated a lot of people (including my Colorado BonerJams) in Week 2.

1. Boston Bruins (10-4-0 overall, 6-1-0 in Week 2):

Dennis and Stickís Bruins currently rank 1st in the Eastern Conference and 3rd overall in terms of total points. They feature the best forward line in the GRHL of Stew-Blitzkrieg-Wally and a ďsecond lineĒ of Fox-Nilla-Stick that is probably a top line on almost every other team. Defensively, they are led by good person TangoMango, who now goes by BanannaAssMonkey, and old Man Nelson. In net, RandomMeat seems to take a lot of rubber while Fluxayís epic beard wards off evil spirits. So how did the Bs do this week? Letís take a deeper look:

Special Teams: Obviously a big factor to any game, the Bruins increased their overall powerplay numbers from 31% conversion to 41.18% conversion. That isnít a surprise seeing as this team is loaded with offense. On the other hand, the penalty kill took a little hit this week as it went from 89% down to 80.65%. Thatís still a good rate, but I expect the Bruins can raise that PK% number up to 85% or so.

Shooting: Yeah, I know, shots are misleading, but their isnít really a way to track puck possession in this league so Iíll use this. Despite being so gifted offensively, the Bruins only had a +16 shot differential this week. Still good, but again, they can do better.

BIG FAWKIN WIN: I have to go with their 3-1 win over the Avalanche, which happened to be the Avsí first loss of the season. Boston and RandomMeat would have gotten a shutout if some Bad At Life scrub didnít totally say ďfuck my positionĒ and hop into the rush for the Avsí only goal. Congrats on the big win, boys.

DA FAQ????: I donít expect any team to win every game, but some losses just shouldnít happen. Perfect example of that: Boston lost 6-4 to Tampa, which featured the Stew-Blitzkrieg-Wally line getting outshot 19-12 by Prodigy-MurderFace-Carolina DNA.

Players of the Week: Usually I try to limit these to one per position, but Boston clearly told me to fuck myself here. Offensively, Fox and Stew both posted 9 goals and 7 assists. Old Man Nelson led the defense with 4 apples and RandomMeat went 2-1 with an 80.95 SV% and 2.67 GAA. Jason and the beard went 3-0, too.

2.  Dallas Stars (10-3-1, 5-2 in Week 2):

Habfan and the Boys are really making me look like an even bigger idiot than normal here. Going 5-1-1 in Week 1, the Stars continued to be a dominant force in the league. Theyíre currently 2nd in points in the Western Conference and 2nd overall in total points. How the hell does this team do it? Well, letís take a look.

Special Teams: Like Boston, the Stars increased their PP% from Week 1 to Week 2 and now sit at 37.21% as opposed to 28.57%. Thatís a very good jump. PK wise though, the Stars did not have a good week as they decreased their overall percentage from 73.33% to 68.92%. Dallas is a good team, but they definitely need to improve on the PK.

Shooting: Dallas literally outshot every team they faced and ended Week 2 with a +24 shot differential. Having the puck that much is definitely a good thing for the Stars, and something they need to continue.

BIG FAWKIN WINS: Typically, I donít give more than one of these, but I have to highlight two wins here. First is the Stars 6-2 win over the Rangers that I donít think anyone expected and the second is a 3-1 win over the Ducks, which is definitely huge for the Western Conference standing.

DA FAQ???: While the Stars had a great week, losing to Pittsburgh 7-5 definitely hurts. Winning that game would have put the Stars at 6-1 on the week, and 1st overall in the West and League.

Players of the Week: Look at the new guys carrying the load. Assignments MadeofTwoFaces (8 G, 7 A) and Scrub Pooch (1 G, 5A) were much welcomed offensive additions while goalie Hell Diablo posted a 3-0 record with an 84.4 SV% and 1.67 GAA. Hell of a week, Hell.

3.Anaheim Ducks (8-5-1, 4-2-1 in Week 2):
Knives and UnwrittenGís group moderately improved on their 4-3 opening week by going 4-2-1 in Week 2. The Ducks currently sit at the 3rd spot in the Western Conference and have the 4th most points in the GRHL.

Special Teams: Like their success, the Ducksí powerplay virtually stayed the same as they went down from 32.14% to 32%. Not much of a difference at all, obviously. The PK for the Ducks definitely got better, as it rose from 55.56% to 63.83%. I think the Ducks are more than capable of raising their PK% to above 70%, which should definitely help their long term success.

Shooting: Despite going 4-2-1, the Ducks did not have a good week in shot differential. Of the top 5 teams this week, the Ducks are the only one to feature a negative differential with a -9 on the week. Big hit came from their -14 differential against Calgary (the Ducks won the game, btw); however, they did post a +10 differential against the Avs to slightly offset that. If the Ducks want to succeed long term, they need to control the puck a bit more.

BIG FAWKIN WIN: After falling to the Avs 9-1 on Monday, the Ducks came back and beat them 6-3 in game two.

Players of the Week: It looks like an offensively catalyst has emerged for the Ducks, as Xx SpLiFF posted 14 goals and 3 assists in Week 2. That isnít as balanced as most people would probably like, but 14 goals is nothing to scoff at. UnwrittenG had a good week from the backend as he posted 7 assists and goalie NJ Tyrant finished the week with a record of 3-1, a 73.6 SV% and 3.50 GAA. That goals against average is a bit high for my liking, but I think Tyrant and the Ducks can bring that down to 3.00 or lower.

4. Colorado Avalanche (11-3-0, 4-3-0 in Week 2):
After going 7-0-0 in Week 1, the Avs struggled a lot in Week 2. I blame this all on True Complexity taking a vacation instead of sticking around to carry myself and Jewbaka for a week.

Special Teams: In Week 1, the Avs had a very unsustainable 50% on the PP. That has since fall to a more sustainable 37.21%. On the Penalty Kill, the Avs were more successful this week and rose their percentage from 60 to 71.88.

Shooting: Just like Week 1, the Avs generally outshot their opponents and finished the week with a +24 shot differential. That number would have been higher if the Avs had not been outshot by 10 against the Ducks.

BIG FAWKIN WIN: I have to give this one to the 9-1 drubbing on the Ducks on Monday. Thatís a game that the Avs expected to win, but I donít think anyone thought the score would be like that.

DA FAQ????: Ugh, this one has to go to the 5-3 loss to the Kings, which I was a part of. I played like shit and take the blame for this one, boys.

Players of the Week: Draft picks from the Avs have had a huge impact on the team this season. Number one pick I Beat Up Cakes continued his torrent pace by posting 7 G, 12 A in week 2 while goalie Zeno finished the week 4-1 with an 84.6SV% and 1.20 GAA. Owner Jewbaka had a solid week, posting 2 G, 5 A. He had a game on forward against the Bruins, where he didnít post any points if I recall.

5. New York Rangers (8-6-0, 4-3-0 in Week 2):
Much like Week 1, the Rangers stayed virtually the same in Week 2. Kastor and the Boys have a good team that I truly think is better than 4-3 every week.

Special Teams: The Ranger powerplay only went slightly down this week, as the fell from 42% to 41.67%. Luke is solely to blame for this. On the PK, though, the Rangers fell from a slightly unsustainable 86% to 83.78%. Thatís still really good, and I would expect that the Rags will hover around 85%-82% all year.

Shooting: No team in the GRHL takes as many shots as the Rangers, who posted a +45 differential in Week 2. The problem is, they arenít finishing as much as they should. The Rags currently have an anemic 20.80% in Week 2 (third worst in the league) and 18.41% in the season (good for second worst). The Rangers are a good team who are bound to start finishing. Once that happens, this team will be scary.

BIG FAWKIN WIN: I have to give this one to the 7-2 domination that the Rangers placed on the Lightning this week. I expect these two teams to battle for the 2nd Eastern Conference seed all year, so kicking the crap out of the Bolts early on is definitely a good thing for the Rags.

DA FAQ????: This one has to be their 6-2 loss to the Stars. Dallas has been hot of late, but I donít think the Stars are four goals better than the Rangers. I expected this game to be a lot close and low scoring, which it clearly wasnít.

Players of the Week: The Big Puesticles is clearly a much better forward than I think most people anticipated. Not only is he a smart player, he also posted 10 G and 4 A in Week 2, which lead the Rangers offensively. Defensive dynamo Lipari22 added nine helpers while goalie Rebel l15l posted a 2-3 record with a 73.45 SV% and 3.41 GAA. Those numbers arenít the greatest but they were the best out of the bunch.


Letís now present this weekís Shartouts, which are life changing awards given for whatever the hell I want.

1. Jaxsonpride: Heís got some tough stuff going on so I kindly ask that everyone in this league makes sure to treat Jaxson with a lot of respect in the coming weeks. Heís a good guy and Stanley Cup winning owner who could use some support this week.

2. Soccerjrc: The scrub finally got on a team. What the fuck were you thinking, Tampa?

3. A Lonely Sheppard: I feel like this guy legitimately gets over looked on the Avalanche roster. Heís a very good player who is having a great year.

4. Snoopy: Your team had an OK week, but youíre working hard to make them competitive and active. Props to you for that.

Now, back to the boring shit.

6. Tampa Bay Lightning (7-6-1, 4-2-1 in Week 2):
Wanted Canuckís group posted a slightly better week by going 4-2-1 in Week 2. Normally, Iíd have them above all of the 4-3 teams; however, the Bolts have a -7 goal differential so that knocked them off real quick. They sit at 3rd in the Eastern Conference and 6th in Overall points.

Special Teams: The Bolts definitely benefited from an improved powerplay this week, as they rose their percentage to 27.03 from their mediocre showing in Week 1 (15.79%). Unfortunately, the Bolts PK took a hit as it fell from 80% to 65.12%. The PK definitely needs to improve going forward.

Shooting: Honestly, Iím kind of surprised by how often this team gets outshot. The Bolts finished Week 2 with a -39 differential, yet still managed to win four games. The big problem game from their fourth game of the Week, where the Rangers took 24 more shots than the Bolts. Likewise, the Kings outshot the Bolts by 18, which just shouldnít happen.

BIG FAWKIN WIN: Tampa needed to make a statement this week and did so by beating the Boston Bruins 6-4. To make matters better (from Tampaís perspective), the Prodigy-MurderFace combo got the job done in this one against Bostonís Stew-Blitzkrieg-Wally line.

DA FAQ???: Not only did Tampa lose both games to the Kings this week, they lost the final game of the week 8-3 to the Kings. Thatís just ouch.

Players of the Week: As most of us would probably expect, Prodigy x 8 led the Tampa offense this week by posting 7 G and 7 A. He doesnít play defense at all, but he clearly scores. On the defensive side of things, Luke Schenn Award favorite X Factor 95 posted 4 assists. In net, Tampa got an OK performance form Eye Talk do do, who went 2-2 with a  74.1 SV% and 5.73 GAA. I would have given this award to Soccerjrc, who posted an 82.6SV% and 2.00 GAA, but he only played two games (which he won).

7. Los Angeles Kings (5-8-1, 3-4 in Week 2):
Jarreaux and the boys had some struggles in Week 1, but they seems to have somewhat turned it around. They apparently own Tampa Bay, now. The Kings sit at 5th in the Western Conference and 8th in Overall points.

Special Teams: LA was able to raise both their powerplay and penalty kill percentages this week. The Kings powerplay went from 31.82% to 32%, which is only a slight increase. Likewise, their penalty kill went from 57.14% to 60%.

Shooting: The Kings had a decent week shooting, as they posted a -1 shot differential. Their -12 against Calgary really hurts, but posting a +18 against Tampa was very nice.

BIG FAWKIN WINs: Ugh, 5-3 win over Colorado. I was in the game and played like ASS (#CaputzQuotes). Likewise, their 8-3 win over Tampa to end the week was huge and hopefully something that the Kings can build off of.

Players of the Week: The Kings could definitely use some more offensive firepower. SandMan led the team offensively with 6 G, 4 A while Emraith provided some defensive scoring with 4 G, 3 A. In net, Jarreaux struggled by posting a 1-4 record with a 73.2 SV% and 5.20 GAA. Net play needs to get better for the Kings, and that may be affected by poor availability.

8. Calgary Flames (4-6-4, 3-3-1 in Week 2):
Jaxsonprideís Calgary Flames are a perplexing team that should be better than their 4-6-4 record indicates. This team has the talent to win, yet they sit at 4th in the Western Conference and 7th in Overall points.

Special Teams: The Flames raised their powerplay percentage from 14.29% to 23.26%, which definitely factored into more wins. The Flames penalty kill fell moderately from 69.57% to 69.23%. Ideally, the Flames want to be around 75% going forward.

Shooting: Despite their record this week, the Flames generally outshot their opponents and posted a +10 differential on the Week. Big performances came against Anaheim (+14 in a loss, strangely enough) and +12 against the Kings. The Flames will need to control possession going forward if they want to stay in the playoff race.

BIG FAWKIN WIN: I have to give this one to the Flamesí 6-5 win over the Kings, who trailed the Flames by 1 point in the Western Conference.

Players of the Week: Calgary got some good performances out of their top talents this week, specifically Let0traieds, who posted 6 G and 5 A. I expected jimfromfiles to lead the defense, but Skullduggery took this weekís honors by posting 1 G and 3 A. Rookie phenom jRz D3ViL posted a 1-1-1 record with an 81.29 SV% and 2.89 GAA. This guy has been unreal for the Flames thus far and is the key to their success going forward.

9. Pittsburgh Penguins (3-10-1, 2-5-0 in Week 2):
Snoopy and the Penwhines had a better Week 2 than I think most of us expected. While they still sit 5th in the Eastern Conference and 10th in Overall points, they arenít far behind Toronto.

Special Teams: This is an area where the Pens are just ok. On the powerplay, the Pens raised their percentage from 23% to 27.50%. The penalty kill, on the other hand, fell from 68.75% to 61.76%. Ideally, the Pens need to be around the 72% mark going forward.

Shooting: Oh my, the Pens really need to fix this. In Week 2, the Pens posted a -66 shot differential, which is by far the worst in the league. Posting numbers like -15, -12, -11 and -17 are not good for this teamís long term success. Even in their win against Dallas, the Pens had 6 less shots than the Stars.

BIG F WINAWKIN: Remember how I said the Pens beat Dallas? Yeah, they beat them 7-5.

Players of the Week: A couple players stood out for the Penguins this week, specifically Xxnumber9xX, who posted 4 goals and 7 assists. Shotgunsurgery led the defensive scoring with 2 goals and 2 assists while goalie and owner I2I Snoopy I3I posted a 2-3 record with a 75.6SV% and 4.00 GAA. The Pens have some room for improvement, but they definitely have talent on this team.

10. Toronto Maple Leafs (4-9-1, 0-6-1 in Week 2):
After Week 1, Shady and company were listed at the top team in the Eastern Conference. These guys fell really hard, but remain in 4th in the Eastern Conference and 9th in Overall points.

Special Teams: In Week 1, the Maple Leafs had an awful powerplay. It still isnít good, but 12% is definitely better than 9.09%. The penalty kill also isnít good, and feel from 78.26% to 65.12%. Both of these areas need to improve going forward.

Shooting: Man, this week was rough for the Leafs, who posted the third worst shot differential with -30. A -12 against the Rangers and -8 against the Avalanche definitely hurt.

DA FAQ???: 2-0 loss to Pittsburgh. Thatís a game that the Leafs needed to win. Pittsburgh struggled in Week 1 and is now right behind the Leafs for the 4th seed in the Eastern Conference.

Players of the Week: This one was a little tough, but there were some bright spots. Krazygood posted 3 goals and 2 assists while OneShotLou added 2 goals and an assists. Goalie Redbomber posted a 0-3-1 record with a 73.1SV% and 3.43 GAA. This team isnít as bad as they were in Week 2, but they really need to step up.

The following is a season preview based off of obnoxious gamer tags. Obnoxious gamer tags are defined as those containing numbers at the end (1 point for each number), numbers in place of letters (2 points each), or the use of x, z, and l (all worth 2 points each) to accentuation a gamertag. These rankings are based off of a point total attributed to the usage of the previously mentioned criteria. Like golf, the lower point total, the better. If you get "butt hurt," offended, or annoyed by these rankings, you need to reevaluate your life and contact Gaming Rendo for his patented butt numbing crŤme. Please note I have a degree in Mass Communications so please ignore any mathematical errors even though I took Calculus in College (and passed with a C!!!!!!). Also, I write website content for a living. On May 12th (the day I wrote this), I wrote two websites that were each above 6,000 words.  I have literally no brain power/desire to proof read this piece of garbage so if you want to call me out, Iíll kindly ask Rendo to do unspeakable things to you.

Welcome to the Illogical Logic "Obnoxiousos Season Awards," where I rank teams based off of how many numbers and other stupid letters contribute to their collective gamertags. The jokes are as bad as Soccerís writing. Today Iíll give out the coveted ďGolden Poo Award.Ē As a reminder to everyone, this article is literally crap.

The late great drghonzo once said
Trash.  I want my 5 minutes back.
-20 Points for douchebagery.
-20  points for being bad at life

about my wonderful work.  Now that the *important* information is out of the way, let's start this piece of doo doo with an animal that craps a lot:

1)Anaheim Mighty Ducks: 10 Points

The Anaheim Mighty Ducks are on top after a Goldberg (Pride of Philly! Oh how he is the perfect symbol for Philadelphiaís goaltending problems) save and a Fulton Reed clapper from the pointÖ.. Wait, wrong script. So, uh yeah, this team is clearly fully of good people who want nothing more than to not be assholes. They got that ďCali vibe, broĒ whatever the hell that means. Anyway, the Ducks received a grand total of 10 points, making them less obnoxious than NightBladeís New Jersey Devils. Congrats, Ducks! Youíve found a way to take a record away from NightBlade!!!!!!!! Anaheim received ďkeyĒ contributions from Frazier4Heisman (2 points), BMexx (4 points) and Xx Spliff (4 points).

2)Calgary Flamers: 17 Points

These raging homos finished much better than they did in preseason (shots fired!). Just like preseason though, Rendo and Nell let them down by contributing literally nothing to the Flamers. Instead, Calgary had to rely on Let0 (2 points), Rabid Wolv3rine3 (3 points), The Sparroww 666 (3 points), Skullduggery65 (2 points), No FOX Given413 (3 points), FatalError78 (2 points) and Jrz d3vIL (2 points). Hopefully these flamers can keep the fire up (bad pun!) and actually win some games.

3)Boston Bruins: 29 Points

Boston is a strange place full of body order, horrendous accents (Sawcks, for example) and Matt Damon. As everyone expects from the regular season, Boston finished high up in the rankings thanks to key contributions from l Blitzkreig l (4 points, update the Google Doc, Rendo!), Stick (6 points), Nilla (6 points), Fox (5 points), Stew (3 points) and Leger (5 points). Great job Boston, now go get hammered on Sammy Adams and sign ďSweet CarolineĒ for the rest of the evening.

4)Dallas Stars: 34 Points (won tie breaker because Hab had to deal with my shitty defense in front of him in addition to THE BRAND)

Expected to do literally nothing this year, Habfan and his beautiful Ghetto Super Stars finished fourth in the Obnoxiousos Awards. This ghetto fabulous group received key contributions from Habfan (4 points), Hockster (2 points, which might be higher than his season point total!), primalfury108 (3 points), bestrong72 (2 points), Sebby (8 points), The Enforcer (4 points), Hell Diablo (4 points; no extra points for capitalization, maybe next year), Bobamatic (2 points), RKC (2 points) and Senator 424 (3 points). Iím not sure how these guys got into the top four, but good for them. Enjoy it, Hab and Hockster!

5)Los Angeles Queens: 34 Points (see above for reason why you trannies got 5th)

Good old Jarreaux has the Kings literally in the middle of the pack here. I mean, if we made a GRHL sandwich then LA is the cheese. Unlike Calgary, the Queens actually got help from their management to the tune of 1 point from Jarreaux and 2 points from Hollohan. Noted porn star banger, crack snorter oO Black Oo adds on 8 points when his genitals are outside of some ratchet hoes, while self-proclaimed back pick x Toews 19 x packed on another 6 points.  The rest of the points come from QuassarF1ex69 (4), Tcogar (2), Sand Man257 (3), Riddler (4) and Pete magnum (3). Good job Queens, youíre both on top of and on bottom of people. Go do some hoes and coke with Black now.


This week, I have some very special things to get to. First, we have the Shartouts, which are even more prestigious in an article about a Golden Poo. Anyway, this weekís
Shartouts go to:

1.Copy guy bri for getting a bad joke about me being bad at life for a long time.

2.Chan Murda for commenting that 3 out of 4 teams make the playoffs in my Western Conference preview. Numbers man; theyíre hard and junk.

3.Soccer for actually writing something serious for once. I legitimately shocked.

4.Kastor, Snoopy, Canuck, Shady, Frazier, Jaxson and Jewbaka for NOT SENDING ME IN THE STUFF I ASKED FOR!!!! SEND IT IN YOU ASSHOLES!

Now to the announcements. Time permitting, I plan on starting a new segment called ďWeek in Review, A Btosh JointĒ (and no, it has nothing to do with joints you potheads). In this weekly piece, I plan on going over all of the news and events that happen in the GRHL in a public forum style. If you have a problem, idea or just want to send me something totally random and off the wall, PM me and Iíll try to work it in. Inside of each week in review, Iíll have the following pieces:

1. Player of the Week, where management and players from each team can nominate a player that stood out to them this week. Tell me why they deserve this honor and your piece will be added in (with the necessary spelling and grammatical edits) to the final write up.

2. HeavyMetalRiffís Scrub a Dub Dub of the Week. Heavy has no say in this, but here you can call out a player for being total nub. Tell me why said player sucked this week and Iíll throw it in; just make sure to tell me if you want your comments to be anonymous or not.

3. Itís baaaaaaaaacccckkkkkk!!!! Iím very, very excited to bring the following weekly award back. This one dates back to the SSHL days and honors the Goon who literally destroys everyone while putting up points. This is the Btoshís Bully of the Week. Hit things, fight and score and youíll be considered this award. At the end of the year, Iíll give out the ďBtoshís Bully of the Year.Ē

Now back to the boring crap:

6)New York Rangers:  35 Points

The Ragsí New York attitude (read: superiority complex) is definitely not happy about this, and they only have owner Kastor N Pollux to blame because he literally contributed nothing. N1ghthorse, on the other hand, is a gem who provided 3 points to his team. The Rags have a bunch of guys who threw up three balls, so maybe NaatiestGuy, Slugger and the previously mentioned Nighthorse should go play some basketball. The NBA put the three point line in to give white boys a chance, you know. Other contributions came from NJ Filthy One (4 points), Lipari (2 points), Krug (10 points!), Preds (2 points), Rebel (6 points) and Liqara (2 points). HeavyMetalNub also contributed nothing to the Rags, go figure.

7)Colorado BonerJams (as renamed by Duchene): 36 Points.

God this Colorado team is bad. Hey everyone, through your worst lines at them all year! Owner Jewbaka contributed literally nothing to these guys, which surprised no one. Same thing with True Complexity, but he seems cool so yeah. The BonerJams relied solely on their non-management players to carry the load, and that failed. Reaper (6 points), Grant (4 points), scrub of scrubs Bad At Life (4 points), Duchene (3 points), Drad (6 points) and Haidy (3 points) carried some of the load, but Zeno and his 10 points literally put the team on his back.  Good job Zeno, you managed 10 points with my scrub ass in front of you.

8)Toronto Maple Laughs: 44 Points

Unfortunately, the Laughs couldnít repeat as winners of the Golden Turds Award. Sook is fully to blame for that. Anyway, the Laughs received key contributions from owner Shady (4 points), GoLeafsGo (LOL) (4 points), Jordan (2 points), Playmaker (3 points), IYE (Seriously, what the hell is that? 5 points, anyway), redbomber (4 points), Krazygood (3 points), All DaII (10 points!!!), dumpl1ns (4 points) and noted goon Mizdareaper (5 points). Sorry Laughs, you didnít win (as expected because youíre Toronto). Iíll yell at Sook for all you.

9)Pittsburgh Penguins: 45 Points

God Pittsburgh smells really bad. Like seriously, get an air freshener or something for crying out loud. Anyway, Snoopy put the team on his back thanks to 10 points. His GM was no help because he was nowhere to be found. Other contributions came from Teravainen (4 points), Del Zotto (5 points), Dirtracer (2 points), Number 9 (9 points!!!!!!!!!!! Jackpot, people!), Kessel (8 points), Shotgun (2 points) and Manship (2 points). Seriously, what the hell is a manship? Is it a ship of man? Is it literally a man who is a ship? Tell me already!!!!!

10)Tampa Bay Lightning: 59!!!! Points (A new record)

When I wrote this article, my first thought was ďwhat team is the biggest bunch of obnoxious assholes in the league?Ē Thatís obviously Colorado, but Iím not giving my team an award. So, while taking a glorious dump, I pondered who this award should go to. As I released a turd, the Lightning were deemed the crappiest of crappiest thanks in part to big fawkin contributions from owner Wanted Canuck (4 points), Boski (14 points and the most obnoxious gamertag in the whole league!), Prodigy (3 points), Scrub Factor (4 points), Teach (8 points), Assault Godz (2 points but that capitalization, doe), Moida F Baby (6 points), Drouin (10 points) and Chanmurda (8 points). It is with great pleasure that I present the Golden Poo Award to Wanted Canuck and his Tampa Bay LighÖ..

Wait a minute, I disqualified these asshole because Canuck told me his team would win this. With that in mind, I am pleased to present Snoopy and the Penguins with the most important trophy theyíll win all year, The Golden Poo Award! This award symbolizes your commitment to being obnoxious and the fact that your city sucks and smells. Congrats Pittsburgh, everyone will clearly be gunning for your award next season!

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Illogical Logic Presents: The Post Free Agency, Post draft, pre-preseason Recap for the West.

What you are about to read is solely MY opinion. This write up is meant to be both serious and comedic, so if you get offended by any of this, you need to re-evaluate your life. Also, you can contact Rendo for his "super special" ass numbing cream.

If you are reading this, you're probably bored out of your mind (and without 300 brain cells) from reading Soccerjrc's "SlapShot" article. So without further ado, here is a nub grading how each team did in free agency and the draft. Yay words and things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Please note, this stuff takes a while to write and while I would have liked to get both conferences done in one night, other things (mostly 24) have made that impossible.

Yee haw you piles of monkey nuts! Today weíre going to go over the Wild Wild (and possibly awful) Western Conference. Seeing as I lack total creativity today (horray!), this article will again be presented in the order of the Google Doc.

Dallas Stars

To start off this episode, we have a team who resides in a state of Brokeback Mountain Cowboys (queue the outdated movie reference that no one remembers). The Dallas Stars are led by the one and only Habfan5693. Fun fact, the last game I played in this league was against his Carolina team in the S3 Finals. The FAWKIN B.o.B. single handedly carried our scrubby Predators team to victory. Good times. Back on track now, Hab is still at the ownership thing which is good; heís a good guy who knows the rules and gets his ish done. His GM this time is huckster. Now, I know the name for bad reasons and if his skill set is as accurate as I have heard than the Stars highest paid player is really going to hinder this team going forward. Enough about boring management people, letís get to the part that actually gets readers and thanks (Iím all about the Post to Thank Ratio, btw): the players.

Free Agency (Grade: C-, somewhat low FBVs and I donít really know them outside of recognizing bevstrong)
Hab and huckster clearly thought that defense in this draft was weaker than my stomach, so they brought in the aforementioned bevstrong along with leQueeph. Iíll be honest, I donít know either of these guys on the ice, but leQueeph has a hilarious gamertag that Iím sure makes Rendo giggle. Rounding out the free agent spending spree, the Stars signed primalfury108. Again, no idea who this is but heís a forward so yay?

Draft (Grade: C+, lots of rookies who I havenít heard of. It could have been lower and youíll see why)

With the 8th pick in the Season 7 entry Draft, the Dallas Stars select xSEBBYx13x. Iíve seen Sebby play one time in a GRHL fun lobby where he was solid and good on the draws (like really, really good). Itís my understanding that the majority of the Starsí draft plays together so that could be good; however, as I pointed out in the East preview right here (read and thank please :) ) Stew and Fox were still on the board which makes my eyes cry. Anyway, if Hab and huckster went with chemistry then their C+ could go up to a B-. This team has a lot of players with Xs in their gamertags, thus making them a favorite for the Obnoxiouso Golden Poo Awards. For Habís sake, The Enforcer, Hell Diablo, Bobamatic, Drippy Hardin (thatís just gross), RKC and Senators (hey, I know this name!) need to produce at a high level.

Expectation: Honestly, this is tough to say because Hab is a cool dude but I just donít see it this year. The West, like the East has three teams that I think are locks to get in. IF the drafted players pan out and produce at a consistent rate, I could see this team sneaking in as the 4th seed. If they donít, it may be a longer year in Brokeback Mountain (Twice in one article, wooooo!) country.

Los Angeles Queens

In the land of sun and beautiful people youíll find Compton; donít go there seeing as youíll probably die. If you actually donít get lost, youíll end up in LA where Jarreaux and Hollohan run the Queens. Now I donít know these guys so my first question is, how the hell do I pronounce ďJarreaux?Ē Is it like Giroux? Is it Ja-rea-ux? What the hell is it? He plays goalie though so I thatís somewhat good I guess. Hollohan is one of the 50 million forwards in this league so yay.

Free Agency (Grade: B. Mas defense)
If you keep going past the Staples Center youíre bound to find some hookers, blow and pornstars that Mike Richards and Jeff Carter have spread their STDs too. Jarreaux mentioned that to oO Black Oo, but the Sexy Defense just heard hookers and pornstars and signed right there in blow. Like seriously, check the contract. Thereís more cocaine on that thing than there is on Tonyís desk in ďScarface.Ē Letís hope Black doesnít have a ďlittle friendĒ that he whips out on occasion. Side note, look at that cool sig Black made me! Most of you might not get it, but I assure you that it is the coolest thing youíll ever see. The transgender Queens also signed Sqwerlpunk in free agency, who is another defenseman. If Iím reading it right, that say Squirrel-punk, which oh my god thatís awesome! If not, then this guy sucks.

Draft (Grade: B-. Toews in the second round)
With the 6th pick in the Season 7 entry draft, the Los Angeles transgender Kings select, ďariba.Ē Seriously Copy? You had one freaking job!!!! This is why we donít go nice places or have nice things. Note to Boston, this is an example of what happens when an old guy doesnít nap or take his pills. You have been warned. Seriously though, the Transgender took RejectedRapier with their pick. All I know about this guy is that he pulled a Killabeatz up until the draft.  Vets of this league know what that means. In the second round they took Toews, which made me laugh so hard that I peed. Rounding out their selections were QuasarF1ex (what the hell does that even mean?), Tcogar (see the guy next to him), Shaggy (shorty came in and she caught me red handed sleeping with the girl next door), Sand Man, Emraith (keep your heads up kids! This guy will challenge X Factor for the Luke Schenn award), Riddler (Riddle me this, what gets wetter and wetter the more it dries? And donít say Rendo!!!)  and Pete Magnum, who Iím personally surprised to see lasted this long.

Expectation: Look, I know a few of these guys but at the end of the day I donít think they have enough to really make a big (ie playoff run) impact. Theyíre going to compete with Dallas for the 4th seed in the West. Thatís really all that I can say at this point.

Calgary Flamers, Alliance of People who run this thing.   

Jaxsonpride. Man I havenít seen that name in a while. I remember when he built crappy teams in the EHL. He won the Cup last year? No way. Wait, youíre serious? Well then, good stuff Jaxson. To compliment Jaxson in management is Cpt Stunad. Iím not sure who or what that is but heís another forward (go figure).

Free Agency (Grade: B+/A-, whatever doesnít get me banned from this site!)

Jaxson should really call this scrub club Toronto, because he went out and signed three key Laughs from the Terrance and Sook days: Let0, Rendo and jimfromfiles. Let0 looks to carry the load up front, which is good because heís awesome. Iím dating myself here (no homo) but Let0 and I played together way back in SSHL Season 1 on Washington with moc24lyfe, bozgoalie, Ballzy and TacoSunday. That list of allstars was beyond brutal. On defense, the Flamers picked up Rendo, which just fits so perfectly in so many ways. Wait, Rendo isnít playing defense now? I mean, he never really did to begin with but still. Other fun history fact! Rendo was my first ever D partner in a 6v6 league; him and I both played as like 6í7+ skaters who hit literally everything that moved in hopes of pissing off Zarrey. If you wonder why Iím bad, thank Rendo. Getting back to defense, Jaxson brought in jimfromfiles who has a hilarious gamertag and is good at the buttons. He was literally the only good player on SSHL Pittsburgh when Yanks and Yonks ran that team. In net, Rendo probably forcibly made Nell sign with the Flamers. Sheís a goalie though, so yeah.

Draft (Grade: B-, not bad but not great either)
With the 4th pick in the Season 7 GRHL entry draft, the Calgary Flamers select defenseman Rabid Wolverine. In my opinion, Wolverine was the second best defensemen in the draft behind Teach. That gap isnít as close as many of you would think; Wolverine was a solid player for Big Jay and The Boys in LG Winnipeg last season so he should be more than capable over here. Calgary also brought in the Sparrow 666 (Devil worshiper), Skullduggery (know the name, but never saw him play), No FOX Given (why is FOX in caps? Do you work for FOX?), FatalError (and heís a defenseman too! I swear, some of this stuff writes itself) and jRz d3VIL, who was rumored to be the Jersey Devils from the EHL days that brought the 4 Horsemen in. I donít know most of these guys but Wolverine was a solid pick. I think Calgary could have done more to bolster their team, though.

Expectation: I think Calgary is a lock to make the playoffs, itís just a matter of seeding. If all goes well, they could get a top seed. Realistically though, I think they take the three seed and play the next team I preview in a very good first round matchup.

You know what that means, Shartouts!!!!

Shartouts are some of the most prestigious awards that a player can receive. I pretty much give these out for whatever the hell I want, so donít complain if you donít get one because I will make sure that you donít receive one. This articleís Shartout winners are:

1. O Black Oo- The guy made me a completely new sig just even though I only asked him to change the script from Btosh to Bad At Life. Thanks bud, youíre a gem.

2. Clownboi- He didnít get drafted and was a bit upset, which got to the point where he said something along the lines of finding a new league. My advice to you is to remain here and be active in looking for a team/being available as an ECU. Goalies are tough to come by in all leagues. Having said that, donít you run a league?

3. Stick- He was the highest paid player in Free Agency so I said Iíd give him a Shartout. Itís nice and wet for ya, bud.

4. (This one is actually serious) Anyone who has written or plans on writing articles- Having content on the site is absolutely huge for traffic and growth of the GRHL. As anyone who has ever written one of these things knows, they take FOREVER and usually have a lot of detail and effort poured into them. With that in mind, I want to personally shart on Soccer, Stick, Black and Mizdareaper for taking the time to provide articles and other content for us to read while we poop, scratch ourselves, etc. Without you guys, this forum would get less action than Copy guy bri so I applaud all of your efforts. Iím going to be in touch with some of you at a later date about something Iím highly interested in doing.

To those of you who want to write but arenít sure if they should, do it. I may suck at life, but Iíd be more than willing to help anyone who is interested get content on this site.

Ok, now that we had a total moment, letís get back to the boring stuff.

Anaheim Ducks
*WARNING* Totally overused clichť coming in 3, 2, 1ÖÖ

Quack. Quack. Quack. Quack. Quack. Quack. QuackQuackQuackQuackQuack. Ducks fly together!

While Disney writes up their lawsuit against me, I might as well preview the Ducks. Assuming the role of Gordon Bombay as the owner and architect of this team if Frazier4Heisman, a defenseman. I know the name and heís a solid player from what I remember. Taking the role of creepy old gear and skate sharpening guy Hans in UnwrittenG, who is a very solid defenseman and a former running mate of RJ and the Boys in the VHL/LG if this is who I think it is. Having two defensemen in management will definitely pay huge dividends for the Quazy Quackers going forward.

Free Agency (Grade: A-, some very solid signings, IMO)

Adding to their defense, the Duck went out and grabbed BMexx. Iíve only see him once, but he was pretty good from what I recall. Having that defense in from of him should make life relatively easy for free agent goalie NJ Tyrant. Apparently he won the Vezina last year, which rattled the hell out of Soccer (good job, Steve) but heís a good goalie none the less. Offensively, the Ducks added Knivessplash, whoís name appears to come up in every league and spliff n rum, who has been in this league for what feels like forever.

Draft (Grade: B+, three very good picks, three Iím leery of)
With the 7th pick in the GRHL Season 7 entry draft, the Anaheim Ducks select forward Reggie Hauser. I like Reggie a lot and think this was a very good pick. He might not have been the best player available at that point in time, but heís a very talented player who can play all three forward positions and play good two-way hockey. I expect him to be a Selke candidate this season. In the second round, the Quacks grabbed another Spliff (this one is of the Xx variety) before grabbing HuRRt in the third round. I like these picks a lot as they really allow Anaheim to have a good balance of offense and defense. Their next three picks were Damageincorp (donít know), Made in MA (I havenít seen that name in ages) and Shifty MF. If I knew more about these three, the Ducks could have gotten an A for their draft.

Expectation: I look at the Ducks and see a very good team who is balanced and may get overlooked during the early part of the year. I expect them to challenge for the top spot in the Western Conference, which they could get depending on match ups and availability. For now though, Iíll peg them at second in the West and third overall.

Last but surely least:

Colorado Scrubalanche

My crappy team is run by some Jewish guy formerly named Krug and True Complexity. Jewbaka ran Detroit last year and they apparently fell apart in the playoffs because their best players didn't show up after dominating the regular season. Sounds like a Pittsburgh thing to do. Anyway, Jewbaka and Complexity are both defensemen, so we only needed to pick up two scrubs.

Free Agency (Grade: A-, not because they signed me. That actually brought them down from an A.)

Having two defensemen on the roster, Jewbaka and True Complexity went offense here and grabbed (as no one would have expected) Duchene. With him comes center TheReaper, who apparently dishes well. The last forward signed was NtG Grant who likes the Leafs even though they suck. x Bad At Life x was the third scrub defenseman to come to this team. Some people think Iím good (LOL), I assure you, I am nowhere near what I was the last time I was here.

Draft (Grade: B. Bestcase, really?)

With the 1st pick in the GRHL Season 7 entry draft, the Colorado Scrubalanche select, forward I Beat Up Cakes. Fresh off of his LG Finals appearance, Coach Cakes will anchor one of our two lines (thatís some John Madden style input right there!) and should have no problem coning defenders on a nightly basis. After Cakes, the Scrubalanche grabbed Zeno (who is probably going in net), Alonelyshepherd (trusting Jewbaka and Complexity on that one; I donít know the guy), Haidy, Drad (solid pick up) and freaking Bestcase. Word on the street is Bestcase isn't playing this season, so that saves my back from carrying duties.

Expectation: Being blunt here, I think people are expecting us to win the West and challenge Boston for the Cup. Thatís easier said than done and teams will be gunning for us (apparently Detroit rubbed people the wrong way last season) so weíre expecting to be challenged on a nightly basis. I think this team has the talent to be a top team as long as our availability is good (mine wonít be).

That was really, really long again. To recap, I expect the Western Conference standings to look like this at the end of the Regular season:

1.   Colorado
2.   Anaheim

3.   Calgary

4.   DAL
5.   LA

Join me next time for the Illogical Logic: Obnoxioso Season Preview, where Iíll hand out the coveted Golden Poo Award!

Illogical Logic Presents: The Post Free Agency, Post draft, pre-preseason Recap for the East.

What you are about to read is solely MY opinion. This write up is meant to be both serious and comedic, so if you get offended by any of this, you need to re-evaluate your life. Also, you can contact Rendo for his "super special" ass numbing cream.

If you are reading this, you're probably bored out of your mind (and without 300 brain cells) from reading Soccerjrc's "SlapShot" article. So without further ado, here is a nub grading how each team did in free agency and the draft. Yay words and things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Please note, this stuff takes a while to write and while I would have liked to get both conferences done in one night, other things (mostly 24) have made that impossible. Iíll try to get the Western Conference article up tomorrow.

Letís begin with the Eastern Conference, where Iím literally just going to go in order of the Google Doc.

Tampa Bay Lighting

Ah yes, Wanted Canuckís team. Remember the time his team won the Cup like way, way back in one of the first seasons this league ever had? Yeah, Iím still shocked about it too. Heís still doing this whole ownership thing and has Envious Worm as his GM. To be perfectly honest, I have literally no idea who that is, but the premise of an envious worm does intrigue me quite a bit. If you are reading this Worm, please explain what your gamertag means in the comment section. Iíll give you like tokens or a shartout or something silly.

Free Agency (Grade: B-, only because X Factor WILL win the Luke Schenn Award again)

Clearly Canuck doesnít think for himself here, as he grabbed former Sabers and Predators X Factor and Boski, in addition to a Prodigy, who Iím pretty sure has played in every league ever. Side note, Prodigy, are you still like 6í8? I remember you being of the Sasquatch variety back in the EHL days.  Anyway, X Factor is probably one of the better defensemen in this league (HOLD while I throw up in my mouth) and Boski is a more than capable forward who should cone plenty of noobs who are bad at life on a consistent basis. Iíd expect Prodigy to be the focal point of a line, too (weíll get to that later).

Draft (Grade: B-, some solid players here, but I donít know anything about a few of them so yeah)

With the third pick in the Season 7 Draft, the Tampa Bay Lighting are proud to select, from Texas, xxTeachxx. Teach was the top defensemen in this yearís draft (not to take anything away from Rabid, but again, weíll get to that), and could make a really good Game 7 pairing with X Factor. Knowing Teacher as well as I do (I broke his back from carrying my fat ass in club), I expect him to be a Norris favorite who anchors his own defensive pair. Other draft picks include Eye talk do do (Sick fawkin gamertag), King koodie (sounds like cooties, Iím afraid to touch him), Assault Godz (Godz? How many of you are there?!?!?!), ya boi Moida F baby (Hi Terry! Remember that time you told Sturm and I that your balls smelled like raviolis? I do), Drouin and Chanmurda. Going over this list, I see a very violent group who will probably be mean to Heavy and steal his tinker toys. Youíve been warned, Luke.

Expectation: I fully expect Wanted Canuck and Co. to be a solid team in the East this year, who fights for and gets a playoff spot. I have them pegged as the third seed in the East. Expect Prodigy to play with the Murderers on one line while Canuck plays with Boski and probably Assault Godz. Iíd put Teach with Koodie and X Factorís scrub ass with Envious Worm.

Boston Bruins
Let me start of by saying this specific entry will be, well, somewhat angry/WTF!!!!!! based. You have been warned.

Dennis (Tcx6plus1) is back running a team, and heís quite good at it.  But to make things totally unfair, he added Stick, who, as he pointed out in his totally not as good as write up, was the most expensive player in Free Agency. You get a shartout for that, Stick.

Free Agency (Grade: A-, Wally and Copy hold you back, Dennis)
Dennis and Stick are both big on chemistry, so they went out and got guys who they have a lot of experience with. For Dennis, the obvious choice was Rico, but Rico is Rico and didnít sign up, so Dennis instead had to settle for total downgrade Wallywallabe. Now then, Wally, in my opinion will win the Selke this year because he will literally play defense for Copy in addition to scoring goals. Donít even try to argue with me here; Iíve personally seen Wally play my position for me. Stick decided to grab Nilla, who, while I donít know him, I expect to be good. No pressure, bud. Rounding out the Bruinsí free agency signings are the ageless wonder Copy guy bri and the most boned goalie in the world, Fluxay. Copy appears to be the anchor of this defense, which scares me because he does sometimes forget to take his meds in addition to missing his afternoon nap. Old guys need their sleep, and if Copy shows up without pills or sleep in his system, I wouldnít expect much from him. Jason on the other hand is so dominant that EA HAS to screw him. Seriously though, this guy has some of the worst luck Iíve ever seen and maybe thatís because Iíve had my ass in front of him for so long. Hereís hoping that you and your epic beard donít get screwed, Mr. Lacy.

Draft (Grade: A. Remember how I said this post will get somewhat angry/WTF? Well, here it is).
Iím going to start by saying that I will not go over all of Bostonís picks because this  ish is going to be long. I apologize to anyone who doesnít get their name mentioned; youíll all get a shartout later to reconcile that. Anyway, with the 10th pick in the GRHL Season 7 Draft, the Boston Bruins select Fox l 1 l. With the 11th pick, the Bruins select Stew514. Hereís the thing guys, Boston was already loaded up front with two lines who were going to score a ton of goals. So instead of taking two of the five best forwards (Iím being reaaaallllly generous here because theyíre probably two of the top three) in this draft, we let them fall to 10 and 11 so that the most offensively loaded team in the league can scoop them up? Are you freaking kidding me? Owners and GMs, I understand that players donít scout, I totally get that, but holy %&$* boys, do some freaking homework on players! Boston went from probably raping every goalie and defensemen in this league to definitely raping everyone and you all have no one but yourselves to blame for that. Through the draft, Boston added a pure goal scorer to Wally and Dennis and a top liner to their ďsecondĒ line. Outside of getting gifted wrapped two offensive dynamos, the Bs also added BanannaAssMonkey, who, if my memory serves me well, was a solid defender from the SSHL days that played with bievsea, Dennis and the boys on Colorado. Dennis, please confirm.

Expectation: Iím going to blunt here; prepare to get sharted on. The Bs have more offensive firepower than Rendo does STDS in addition to one of the top goaltenders. While their defense isnít as good as Tampaís, I fully expect their forwards to have the puck literally all game. The advanced stats community will probably jerk off to this team on a nightly basis. Boston should win the East with relative ease and probably win the Presidentís trophy.


To calm my blood pressure down, Iím going to do my first set out shartouts, which are some of the most prestigious awards that a player can receive. I pretty much give these out for whatever the hell I want, so donít complain if you donít get one because I will make sure that you donít receive one. This articleís shartout winners are:

1. Soccerjrc: You werenít drafted because the FBV system made you too high, but youíre still a moderately decent person none the less. Someone should really pick this guy up, heís a committed goalie with multiple personality disorder (get that checked out, please).

2. xX Fish Pro Xx: You also werenít drafted, but you carried my scrub ass in a fun lobby. Good on ya, man. Seriously though, someone give this guy a contract already; heís a future Norris trophy winner.

3. The players on Boston who I didnít mention in the draft section: Leger, Drewski and RandomMeat. Judging by your gamertags, you are all good people.

4. Snoopy: You were almost the Tnoose of the draft (Iíll explain below) but you werenít. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, back to the boring crap.

Pittsburgh Penguins

Snoopy is back as management, and this time heís broughtÖ. Wait a minute, I know this oneÖ.. um, someone as his GM? Sure, weíll go with that. Anyway, Snoopy wants to improve and I admire that, but it is really tough to say how much his team will improve. Draft wise, he almost pulled a Tnoose, which if you arenít familiar with the term, means that he didnít show up or showed up drunk. Snoopy got to the draft right before it was about to start, thus avoiding the infamous ďTnooseĒ label.

Free Agency (Grade: C-, only two players were signed, sorry dude)

Snoopy and *insert name of GM here* are running the Pens this year and I have to say, Iím not totally sure what direction theyíre going in. Free agency appears to have been tough for Snoopy (what with not having a GM and all), but he managed to sign Teravainen x 86 and Del Zotto. I donít know either of these guys so I wonít judge them, but Teravainen does have a high FBV so he might actually be decent.

Draft (Grade: C-, Iím not going to grade players I donít really know too high or low)

Like his free agency moves, Iím not very familiar with Snoopyís draft; however, I do have to say that Dirtracer has some very high expectations considering he was taken before Reggie, Lipari, Fox and Stew. KnRs Dad is a good guy who will probably be one of the best defensemen on this team along with Boglord, but I donít know if this team will have enough in the front or back end to compete with Boston, Tampa and New York.

Expectation: Very tough to say with this team because I legitimately donít know what direction theyíre going in. If I had to guess, Iíd say that this team will be a distant fourth or fifth in the East. Theyíll struggle to make the playoffs and if they do get in, I expect a first round exit.

New York Rangers

Kastor likes to go with what he knows, and this time, he brought Nighthorse in as his GM. An experienced owner, Kastorís Rangers look to be a very strong team in the East.
Free Agency (Grade: B+, these guys look oddly familiar)
Free agency went as we all would have expected; Kastor and Nighthorse brought in the remaining Four Horsmen named Nubbiest Guy and Big Black Peusticle, who is now a forward. To round out their signings, Kastor and Nighthorse brought in Nashville alum Slugger921 and NJ Filthy One, who I donít know at all.

Draft (Grade: B, Luke brings you down)

In the first round of the Season 7 GRHL draft, Kastor and Nighthorse did the totally
unexpected thing by drafting Lipari. I mean really, NO ONE saw that one coming. With their next pick, the Rags took HeavymetalASS who was apparently good last season? Seriously Luke, what the hell. You used to be a guy who scored greasy, respectable goals by getting spoon fed and pressing up. Now youíre like good and junk? I think I need a drink. To round out the draft, the Rangers added Krug, Preds Hockey (not to be confused with TyTy), Rebel and Liqara, who has some chemistry with the 4H guys to my knowledge.

Expectation: The Rangers went with chemistry and it should really benefit them in the long run. Their defense is deep and their offense should be able to put the puck in the net on a consistent basis. I wouldnít be surprised to see this team play a slower paced, trap-esque game, which will annoy the hell out of teams. I expect the Rangers to make the playoffs as the two or three seed in the East. If their forwards can consistently score, they could very well make the Eastern Conference Finals.

Toronto Maple Laughs

Last but not least, we have the team of truculence, the Toronto Maple Laughs. The Laughs are run by Shady5545, which, judging by his name would make me not want to trade with him. Also in management is GoLeafsGo1969. Two things with this selection. First, a Leafs fan who names his gamertag after his favorite team AND plays defense is definitely a recipe for disaster. Letís hope he is a Phaneuf style defender, because Iím really in the mode for some turnovers. Second thought, Iím pretty sure Copy was born in 1969, so good job making fun of that old bastard.

Free Agency (Grade: C+, four signings though!)

Like some other teams, I donít know a lot of these guys; however, getting four players is definitely beneficial if done properly. The Leafs got four defensemen before the draft, meaning that they could select from the literally 50 million forwards in this league.

Draft (Grade: B-, yeah, that whole Boston thing and junk.)

I wouldnít have taken Playmaker that early, but heís a solid player from what I remember about the PHL. That league was really bad (I averaged close to four points per game as a forward), so he may need to adjust a bit to like, defensemen who donít totally drool on their controllers. Outside of Playmaker, I know the name krazygood (not a good thing) and Miz likes to hit things so yeah. Goaltending was also a priority in the draft with IYE413 and redbomber going in back to back rounds. While this wasnít a bad idea, I (again) know little to nothing about these players so I canít say if theyíll be able to hold down the fort or not.

Expectation: Like Pittsburgh, I think the Leafs fight for fourth in the Eastern Conference. In theory, theyíre a little bit deeper than the Pens; however, that has yet to be seen. I expect this team to moderately struggle but if they click, they could be a bit tougher than anyone expects.

So to summarize that mammoth block of text, I expect the standings to look like:
1. Boston

2. New York
3. Tampa

4. Toronto
5. Pittsburgh

And before any of you ask, the spacing is to indicate the gap between teams.

League Media / Prepare yourself for the epic return of Illogical Logic
« on: April 30, 2014, 09:34:23 PM »
Good Evening Ladies, Gents, Old guys (What up, Copy) and Rendo,

Now that my scrub ass has returned to regain my title as the Most Overrated player in the GRHL, I, x Bad At Life x (the artist formerly known as Btosh29) will reprise my media duties with the most awesomest (totally a word!!) articles on this site (shots fired, Soccerjrc/Joey/Whatever other personality you may have become). Some examples of my work are:

Illogical Logic Presents: The Obnoxiousoso Season Preview:

The Bad At Life Power Rankings:

Illogical Logic End of Season Awards:

All League teams:

Nell might also have a piece of crap I wrote back in Season 1 where I randomly gave or deducted points from a team based on completely (il)logical criteria. That will be back too.

With all those wonderful turds now forcefully planted in front of your eyes, I wanted to remind Owners and GMs that the first ďawardĒ one can win this year is the coveted Golden Turd for being obnoxious. I expect you all to make a herculean effort to win this.

If any current player, management or site staff would like to recommend topics for articles, please PM me with your idea, gamertag, social security number and blank check. I look forward to "entertaining" (I use the term loosely) all of you this season.

Welcome to the Illogical Logic End of Season Awards, where I, x Bad At Life x, present the most prestigious awards ever created. This thread is a serious as Rendo playing something that resembles defense. Like my other threads, these awards are purely based off of my opinions and if you don't like them, get mad or get rattled, you need to re-evaluate your life. I'd like to thank all of you for a great season, except Luke, because he's a bum <3.

Hello and welcome to the most important awards thread that you will ever read. This thread will seriously change your life and perception(s) of the players in the league. Without further adieu, here are the awards.

Broadstreet Bully Award
The Broadstreet Bully Award is given to the player who's style of play most resembles that of the Philadelphia Flyers (specifically their teams from the 70s). The award is presented to:
Emraith (90 PIMS, 170 Hits, 1 Fight)- Toronto Maple Leafs

Mama Said Knock You Out Trophy
The Mama Said Knock You Out Trophy is given to the player with the most fight losses at the end of the season. Along with the trophy, the player will now be referred to as Riley Cote or Jody Shelly, and will also receive fighting lessons from this hobo I found on the streets of Philly. The award is presented to:
budweiser2345 (4 fight losses)- Montreal Canadiens

The SJUSoccer 9 Award
The SJUSoccer 9 Award is given to the player who does not like to press up on the Right Stick, and thus, is last in the league in shots after having played a minimum of 10 games. The award goes to:
x Charby (12 shots)- Montreal Canadiens

Luke Schenn Trophy
The Luke Schenn Trophy is presented to the player who attempts to hit opposing players at the blue line, but misses on almost every attempt. The award is given to:
X Factor 95- Nashville Predators

What Does RT Do? Award
The What Does RT Do? award is given to the player who finishes the season with many more goals than assists. Along with this award, the player will partake in USA Hockey's Passing 101 Seminar. The player will also receive a controller who's right stick is actually the RT button. This dubious honor is presented to:
Giant Dengus (41 goals, 19 assists)- New Jersey Devils

What's Defense? Trophy
The What's Defense? Trophy is presented to the forward who has no idea what their own zone looks like because they are too busy cherry picking. This award was incredibly tough to select; however, we have two incredible players who will receive this honor. The trophies go to:
AgentSooksta008 (Toronto Maple Leafs) and Giant Dengus (New Jersey Devils)

How Do I Score a Goal? Award
The How Do I Score a Goal? Award is given to the player(s) who do not score a goal all year despite playing 10+ games. Along with the award, these players will get to shoot on a soccer net next season, until they score a goal. The winners are:
Cdog4086 (Montreal Canadiens), Drock0407 (New Jersey Devils), TheRon334 (Nashville Predators) and LunchBox5181 (Phoenix Coyotes).

Let's Not Get Physical
The Let's Not Get Physical award is given to the player(s) who finish last in the league in hits at the end of the season. Along with the award, the players will receive a gym membership and personal training from the Broadstreet Bully Award winner. The players who don't like to touch other players are:
LET0TREIDES (Toronto Maple Leafs) and Foxboro24 (San Jose Sharks)

The Killbeatz Award is given to the player who best plays as the name Killabeatz. Along with this award, you will be recognized as a top player and beat boxer. The winner is:
x Bad At Life x- Nashville Predators

What Can Brown Do For You? Trophy
The What Can Brown Do For You? Trophy is awarded to the league's top brown player. The award also factors in how often said brown player came through in the clutch. It is with great honor to present this award to:
AgentSooksta008- Toronto Maple Leafs

Pick Me Up! Award
The Pick Me Up! Award is given to the player who best forgoes free agency to go to the draft, does not get selected, and then proceeds to spam the chat box regularly in hopes of being picked up as a free agent. By receiving this award, the player joins an elite category of self promoters. This award is presented to:
XxKILLABEATZxX- New Jersey Devils

The Sean Ramjagsignh "Get Rammered" Memorial Award
The Sean Ramjagsign "Get Rammered" Memorial Award goes to the player(s) who got boned the most all year by this game. Unfortunately, the winner(s) will not receive any benefits next season, as they will probably get Rammered even more. The award is presented to:
Every goalie in the GRHL, but specifically, Fluxay- Nashville Predaotrs

x Bad At Life x's Most Rewarded Player award
The MRP Award is given to the player who is rewarded beyond belief. This player will commonly score goals by poking the puck into the net or accidentally passing the puck into the net while aiming to pass to a teammate. It is my privilege to give my award to:
Heavy Metal Riff- Nashville Predators

The 0o Black o0 Sexy Person award
The 0o Black o0 Sexy Person award is given to the player who is most likely to become a Victoria's Secret Swim Suit model. The winner of this award will get to centerfold an upcoming issue of Playboy magazine AND do a personal photo shoot for the GRHL. The 0o Black o0 Sexy Person award is awarded to:
Gaming Rendo- Toronto Maple Leafs

Lovers Trophy
The Lovers Trophy is given to the teams who fight like a married couple and just need to bang it out. The winner will receive a romantic dinner paid for by Gaming Rendo and a pack of condom and lube from Durex (because ain't no body want or got time for kids). The award is presented to:
The San Jose Sharks and the Phoenix Coyotes

McKable and CDN Dave Bromance of the Year
The McKable and CDN Dave Bromance of the Year is presented to the players who seriously have the biggest hard ons for each other. Along with the award, the winners will receive an all expensive paid trip to Paris, France, where they may consummate their Bromance. This beautiful award is presented to:
Preds 4 3RD RND and Caputz13- Nashville Predators

The Wade Redden Award
The Wade Redden Award is given to the defender who receives a big contract, but does not live up to it. The winner shall be presented with an autographed picture of Wade Redden in addition to lessons on how to make more than you're worth. The award is presented to:
AZN Matt- Vancouver Canucks

The Scott "Dirty" Gomez Award
The Scott "Dirty" Gomez award is presented to the forward who signs a big contract, but does not live up to it. The winner shall now be knows as "The Dirty Gomez." The award is presented to:
Assassins Rifle- Carolina Hurricanes

The Lee Henry "Le Goalier Plus Offensive" Memorial Trophy
The Lee Henry  "Le Goalier Plus Offensive" Memorial Trophy is presented to the Most Offensive Goaltender in the GRHL. This is the goalie who either leads all goaltenders in points and/or comes out of their net to grab the puck, then proceeds to spin around and fire the puck up ice. The award winner will get the opportunity to travel to the U.K. and learn under Lee Henry, before coming back to North America and starting their own Offensive Goaltender Academy. The award is presented to:
Fluxay- Nashville Predators

The Ozzyng2 Senile Old Man Award
The second most prestigious honor in the GRHL, this award is given to the oldest, most senile old fart that this league has to offer. Along with the award, the player will receive a life time of free pills, a 50% discount  to the retirement community of their choice, a cane, outdated clothing, a sign that tells those punk kids to "stay off your lawn," and an explanation of what this "hipping and hopping" phenomenon is. I am pleased to give the second most prestigious honor ever created to:
Copy Guy Bri- New Jersey Devils

The Nightblade Memorial Award
The most prestigious honor in the GRHL, the Nightblade Memorial Award is presented to the Most Useless Owner in the GRHL. Upon winning the award, the owner must sit in a party with Nightblade every day in order to learn how to build and run a team. I am pleased to give this incredible honor to:
Heavy Metal Riff (Nashville Predators), who still does not have his whole team on his friends list, is a nub, and usually doesn't know who is playing for his team that night. Congratulation Luke, you are truly in a class of your own.

Thank you for reading. To those of you who won, you are truly incredible and I aspire to be like you (yes, even you, Luke; but not Copy). To those of you who didn't win, keep your chin up, wipe your mouth off (we all know what's on it) and start  working towards next year. One day, you will get on this list.

League Media / GRHL End of Season Awards
« on: June 08, 2013, 04:03:42 PM »
The following is a list of awards as decided upon by myself, x Bad At Life x. This thread is solely based off of my opinion (excluding statistic based awards) and is not an official list of awards from league officials.

Statistical Awards

Maurice "Rocket" Richard Award
Awarded to the top goal scorer in the regular season. The award goes to:
AgentSooksta008 (Toronto)- 49 Goals

Art Ross Award
Awarded to the player who leads the league in total points at the end of the season. The award goes to:
AgentSooksta008 (Toronto)- 80 Points

William M. Jennings Award
Awarded to the goalkeeper(s) for the team with fewest goals scored against it in the regular season. The award goes to:
Fluxay and Heavy Metal Riff (Nashville)- 108 Goals Against

Plus-Minus Award
Awarded to the player with the highest plus-minus at the end of the season. The award goes to:
AgentSooksta008 (Toronto)- +36

Roger Crozier Saving Grace Award
Awarded to the goalkeeper with the highest save percentage and who has a played a minimum of 15 games. The award goes to:
BroskiJabs (Phoenix)- 83.4%

Individual Awards

Hart Memorial Trophy
Awarded to the league's most valuable player. The award goes to:
AgentSooksta008 (Toronto)

Lady Byng Memorial Trophy
Awarded to the player who exhibited outstanding sportsmanship and gentlemanly conduct combined with a high standard of playing ability. The award goes to:

Vezina Trophy
Awarded to the league's top goaltender. The award (unfortunately) goes to:
Soccerjrc18 (Carolina) for the second year in a row.

Calder Memorial Trophy
Awarded to the league's most outstanding rookie player. The award goes to:
AgentSooksta008 (Toronto)

James Norris Memorial Trophy
Awarded to the defenseman who demonstrates throughout the season the greatest all-round ability in the position. The award goes to:
Gaming Rendo (Toronto), who told me that I could not post this thread unless he won the Norris. Rendo will neither confirm nor deny these allegations.

Jack Adams Award
Awarded to the owner adjudged to have contributed the most to his team's success. The award goes to:
Habsfan5693 (Carolina Hurricanes)

Frank J. Selke Trophy
Awarded to the forward who best excels in the defensive aspects of the game. The award goes to:
x9 Duchene (San Jose Sharks)

General Manager of the Year
Awarded to the league's top General Manager. The award  unfortunately goes to:
Preds 4 3RD RND (Nashville)

Bill Masterton Memorial Trophy
Awarded to the player who best exemplifies the qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship, and dedication to hockey. The award goes to:
Copy Guy Bri (New Jersey Devils)

Congratulations to all of the award winners (except Preds; he's a nub).

League Media / GRHL All League and Conference Teams
« on: June 08, 2013, 03:03:36 PM »
The following is a list of All League, All Rookie and All Conference teams as decided upon by myself, x Bad At Life x. Please keep in mind that these are solely my opinions. I'd also like to point on that while you may think I'm biased, I was much harder on people I know and like. Additionally, there are also people that I strongly dislike on this list; however, they have had strong seasons and deserve recognition.

GRHL All League Team
FWD- AgentSooksta008 (49 Goals, 31 Assists, 80 Points)- Toronto Maple Leafs
FWD- Randyman x23x (30 Goals, 37 Assists, 67 Points)- Toronto Maple Leafs
FWD- DRAD021191 (28 Goals, 32 Assists, 60 Points)- Phoenix Coyotes
D- X Factor 95 (1 Goal, 26 Assists, 27 Points)- Nashville Predators
D- Gaming Rendo (9 Goals, 17 Assists, 26 Points)- Toronto Maple Leafs
G- Soccerjrc (16-9, 81.4 SV%, 2.04 GAA)

All Rookie Team
FWD- AgentSooksta008 (49 Goals, 31 Assists, 80 Points)- Toronto Maple Leafs
FWD- x9 Duchene (27 Goals, 20 Assists, 47 Points)- San Jose Sharks
FWD- mIst3r Master (28 Goals, 19 Assists, 47 Points)- Carolina Hurricanes
D- Caputz13 (4 Goals, 7 Assists, 11 Points)- Nashville Predators
D- x47 Krug (1 Goal, 11 Assists, 12 Points)- Toronto Maple Leafs
G- Broski Jabs (10-7-2, 83.4 SV%, 2.42 GAA)- Phoenix Coyotes

1st Team All Eastern Conference
FWD- AgentSooksta008 (49 Goals, 31 Assists, 80 Points)- Toronto Maple Leafs
FWD- Randyman x23x (30 Goals, 37 Assists, 67 Points)- Toronto Maple Leafs
FWD- GiantDengus (44 Goals, 19 Assists, 63 Points)- New Jersey Devils
D- Gaming Rendo (9 Goals, 17 Assists, 26 Points)- Toronto Maple Leafs
D- NJ Tyrant (8 G, 12 Assists, 20 Points)- Carolina Hurricanes
G- Soccerjrc18 (16-9, 81.4SV%, 2.04 GAA)

2nd Team All Eastern Conference
FWD- LET0ATREIDES (18 Goals, 38 Assists, 56 Points)- Toronto Maple Leafs
FWD- copy guy bri (25 Goals, 28 Assists, 53 Points)- New Jersey Devils
FWD-mIst3r Master (28 Goals, 19 Assists, 47 Points)- Carolina Hurricanes
D- Javeforce1990 (4 Goals, 8 Assists, 12 Points)- Carloina Hurricanes
D- x47 Krug (1 Goal, 12 Assists, 13 Points)- Toronto Maple Leafs
G- Shady5545 (17-10-3, 81.1 SV%, 2.83 GAA)- New Jersey Devils

Honorable Mention Eastern Conference
FWD- Big J Diesel (14 Goals, 28 Assists, 42 Points)- New Jersey Devils
FWD- BLaurin17 (14 Goals, 28 Assists, 42 Points)- Toronto Maple Leafs
FWD- l Hall l4l (23 Goals, 18 Assists, 41 Points)- Montreal Canadiens
D- Liqara22 (3 Goals, 15 Assists, 18 Points)- Montreal Canadiens
D- Trapanix54x (1 Goal, 11 Assists, 12 Points)- Toronto Maple Leafs
G-k1llerc00kie (15-4-2, 80.3 SV%, 2.10 GAA)

1st Team All Western Conference
FWD- DRAD021191 (28 Goals, 32 Assists, 60 Points)- Phoenix Coyotes
FWD-MadeOfTwoFaces (19 Goals, 32 Assists, 51 Points)- San Jose Sharks
FWD-x9 Duchene (27 Goals, 20 Assists, 47 Points)- San Jose Sharks
D- X Factor 95 (1 Goal, 26 Assists, 27 Points)- Nashville Predators
D- Caputz13 (4 Goals, 7 Assists, 11 Points)- Nashville Predators
G- fluxay (20-7-1, 80.1 SV%, 2.32 GAA)- Nashville Predators

2nd Team All Western Conference
FWD- xWantedx Canuck (23 Goals, 21 Assists, 44 Points)- San Jose Sharks
FWD- TDMK Sean (27 Goals, 14 Assists, 41 Points)- Phoenix Coyotes
FWD- Xxi3OSKI17Xx (21 Goals, 17 Assists, 38 Points)- Nashville Predators
D- PREDS 4 3RD RND (2 Goals, 12 Assists, 14 Points)- Nashville Predators
D- jimfromfiles (1 Goal, 10 Assists, 11 Points)- San Jose Sharks
G- Broski Jabs (10-7-2, 83.4 SV%, 2.42 GAA)- Phoenix Coyotes

Honorable Mention Western Conference
FWD- Spliff N Rum (13 Goals, 20 Assists, 33 Points)- Phoenix Coyotes
FWD- icceman9 (15 Goals, 17 Assists, 33 Points)- Vancouver Canucks
FWD- moneymike303 (13 Goals, 18 Assists, 31 Points)- Vancouver Canucks
D- foxbrook (2 Goals, 9 Assists, 11 Points)- Vancouver Canucks
D- LunchBox5181 (0 Goals, 11 Assists, 11 Points)- Phoenix Coyotes
G- Hawksfan2619 (9-11-1, 80.5 SV%, 2.97 GAA)- San Jose Sharks

League Media / The Bad At Life Power Rankings
« on: April 15, 2013, 09:44:31 PM »
As authored, unedited and uncut by league member x Bad At Life x.  This article has been approved by the GRHL Editor-In-Chief.

What you are about to read is solely MY opinion. This write up is meant to be both serious and comedic, so if you get offended by any of this, you need to re-evaluate your life. Also, you can contact Rendo for his "super special" ass numbing cream.

If you are reading this, you're probably bored out of your mind from reading Soccerjrc's "SlapShot" article. So without further adieu, here is a nub's ranking of each team split between league and conference.

1. Toronto Maple Leafs (1st East)
2. Nashville Predators (1st West)
3. Carolina Hurricanes (2nd East)
4. San Jose Sharks (2nd West)
5. Phoenix Coyotes (3rd West)
6. Montreal Canadiens (3rd East)
7. Vancouver "High as a kite" Canucks (4th West)
8. New Jersey Devils (4th East)

Let's start in the Eastern Conference, with my prediction for the top team: The Toronto Maple Laugh, er, I mean, Maple Leafs, who are ran by my former SSHL colleagues Terrance6 and AgentSooksta008.

Projected Line combinations (or essentially, what I would try to do):
Line 1: Randyman x23x-LET0TREIDES-Moc24Lyfe; Rendo-Terry/Emraith
Line 2: AgentSooksta008-MadeofTwoFaces-Terry/Emraith- Caputz13-Trapani x54x
Goalies: L Swift x 23 L; k1llerc00kie

Terrance and Sook have built a very strong team that can score and *potentially* hold opposing offenses at bay. The biggest strength for the Leafs has to be their offensive depth. Each game, you run the risk of facing the deadly Randy-Leto-Moc combo (which has been around since the SSHL days) or taking on the best player in this league, AgentSooksta008. Some of you may call that a bold prediction, but I've seen Sook make top defenders look like I-95 traffic cones and literally put the team on his back in them big FAWKIN games (see every year of the EASHL CanAm tournament if you don't believe me). He should have no problem making defenders hate playing Toronto. Speaking of defense, I think the Leafs boast one of the more well-rounded groups in the GRHL. Rendo is arguably the best defender in the league, and he'll see plenty of top lines this year. My main concern with the defense comes from combinations though. Do the Leafs put Rendo with Trapini to make a super pair, or do they try to balance everything. Additionally, I'm curious to see how Caputz13 adjusts to a 6v6 league at defensemen. In my opinion, the biggest downfall of the Leafs is their goaltending. While I think they will produce, I've never seen either Swift or C00kie play, as they are both rookies. With the offense that Toronto has, I'd imagine that Swift and C00kie will need to only be average this year for the Leafs to succeed.

Players to watch; AgentSooksta008, Caputz13, L Swift x 23 L

Carolina Hurricanes

Split the Winnipeg Jets in half, and you essentially create the Carolina Hurricanes.

Projected Line combinations
Line 1: Habs-Assassins-Master; Tyrant-Jave
Line 2: Animal- Savy- Rebel; Link- Jarreaux
Goalies: Soccerjrc; BlameTigerWoods

While lacking the star power of Toronto, the 'Canes should be a tough match up for every team in this league, as they possess a balanced offense, defense and goaltending tandem. These guys also have a lot of chemistry together, which could be dangerous in the early portions of the season. I expect balance to be Carolina's strength all year, and I could honestly see mIster Master, Savy and Assassains Rifle all having big years for the Red and Black. The team's only glaring downfall has to be their defensive depth. Having Tyrant and Jave is great; however, I would be shocked to see these two play a lot of games together because Link and Jarreaux are both new to this league and relatively unknown. Despite the setback, the 'Canes have one of the best goaltending tandems in the league with reigning Vezina Trophy winner Soccerjrc (gross, right?) and BlameTigerWoods.

Players to watch: mIster Master, NJ Tyrant, Soccerjrc
Montreal Canadiens
By the looks of it, management duo Liqara and Clownboi built a team of guys they know.

Projected line combinations:
Line 1: BishesLuvBhayes-Budweiser- l Hall l4l; Liqara- Cdog
Line 2: DevilDawg-l3l Boogie l4l- LADYxR3DxBUSH; jimfromfiles-ImJeff
Goalies: Clownboi; Nell

The Habs have a solid defensive core that could frustrate the living hell out of opponents. Liqara and Cdog have a ton of chemistry together, and jimfromfiles is no slouch either.  Additionally, the goaltending tandem of Clownboi and Nell should keep the Habs in most games. In my opinion, the biggest downfall of this team is their offense. Unfortunately, taking DevilDawg44 in the first round may be one of the biggest reaches this league has ever seen. Devil is solid, but there was more talent out there. Faceoff machine budweiser also needs to become a solid offensive producer. The guy is incredibly nice and a joy to play with, and I think he could mesh well with Bhayes and Hall. My only concern is, what does your second line do if they move budweiser down? I like the guy, but I don't think he is capable of being the top guy on a unit, which could happen if he's on the second line.

Players to watch: BsihesLuvBhayes, Cdog, Nell

New Jersey Devils
Like other owners, it looks like NightBlade went with people he knew. And by that, I mean his Minnesota team from  last year plus reigning MVP Giant Dengus.

Projected line combination:
Line 1: copy guy bro- JLupien-Giant Dengus; Drock-everett
Line 2: NightBlade-n3xtlvl-BlessTheFall/Hero; ImThunder-One Shout Lou
Goalies: Portugal Swag HD; Shady5545

The biggest part of this team has to be Giant Dengus. The reigning MVP helped carry Winnipeg to a Cup last season, and he has the potential to produce similar numbers with Old Man Nelson on his wing. However, Dengus is seriously the only bright spot on this team (I just can't name copy a top player; sorry bud). I'm not trying to be mean, but this is essentially the same Minnesota Wild team that barely made the playoffs last year, now in the Eastern Conference. My question is, why build the same team when we all know it didn't work last year? I see teams like Toronto and Carolina beating the living hell out of the Devils, and even Montreal should at least double up the Devils. Sorry boys, but i expect a long year in "America's Armpit." Fortunately, I hear Jersey has great summer weather  ::)       

Let's transition to the Western Conference, where I have my team, the Nashville Predators, finishing at the top of the conference.

Projected Line combinations:
Line 1: MVP-Page411-Boski; TheRon- X Factor
Line 2: Kapn62- Bad At Life- Preds/ AA Predator; A Broken Stick- PoliteCargo/Preds
Goalies: HeavymetalASS; Fluxay

I'm going to be as unbiased as possible here, seeing as this is my team. First, let me say that Preds and Heavy wanted to keep our core in tact, which was done through the signings of X Factor, Fluxay, Boski and myself. Second, our draft actually went much better than expected. Yeah, we didn't get Caputz (who everyone knew we wanted), but we did get (in my opinion) the best forward (MVP) and defender (Stick) in the draft. Both players figure to play a huge role in the Predators success. Additionally, we got a fair amount of chemistry through the draft such as PS3 convert and former NHL Regulator (they played the Purple Cobras in the '09 EASHL PS3 v XBOX championship) Kapn62, who is a former club mate of mine (keep in mind, I play defense, not forward, outside of this league). and Page411, who played with Boski (before he was traded) on a VHL Charlotte Checkers team that won the Calder Cup. Despite everything I just said, we need to be consistent all year to be successful. While the regular season success of the Sabres was nice, we grossly underachieved in the playoffs and looked out of sync for large portions of the series. If this team clicks early on, we could be dangerous.

Players to watch: MVP, X Factor, Fluxay

San Jose Shark
Stanley Cup winning owner Wanted Canuck is back, but this time with Foxboro at his side.

Projected line combinations:
Line 1: Snlpps-Canuck-Ninja; run4yerlyfe- RLO
Line 2: Hii Friend- foxboro- Duchene; Worm- Bones
Other forward: peteygunz
Goalies: PoisonKiller; Hawksfan

The Sharks possess an incredibly skilled goaltending tandem that will frustrate the hell out of opposing shooters. Additionally, first overall pick x9 Duchene could easily be a top scorer in this league. Playing him with Hii Friend and foxboro could honestly open up a ton of space for Coffey to create. The other forward unit of CitizenSnlpps-Wanted Canuck-Silent Ninja could also annoy the hell out of opposing defenses. The biggest concern for the Sharks has to be on defense, though. RLO and run4yerlyfe are now being counted on to play like the top defenders on this team, which may or may not work. Both are very nice guys; however, I am a bit skeptical of their roles.

Players to watch: Duchene, run4yerlyfe, PoisonKiller

Phoenix Coyotes
New owner TDMK Sean appears to have built a mixed group that should have no problem finishing in the top 3 of the Western Conference.

Projected line combinations:
Line 1: DRAD-Sean-Quazz; DrGhonzo-Serpe
Line 2: D3V1N- Spliff N Rum- Canuckles; Crisis-Old Crow
Additional skaters: rrobar82 (Fwd), LunchBox (defense)
Goalies: I Beat Up Cakes; Broski Jabs

Looking at this roster, I see a group of no superstars, which could be both good and bad. The good thing is, the 'Yotes will probably avoid their fair share of drama; however, I wonder about the clutch factor of this team. No forward really strikes me as someone who will be "the guy" for the Coyotes. Additionally, how does I Beat Up Cakes do as a goalie? I've only seen the guy play forward, so I'm curious to see how he does as a starter.

Players to watch: DRAD, Serpe, Cakes

Vancouver Canucks
Icceman9 and Foxbrook appear to have a very "unique" team.

Projected line combinations:
Line 1: CrispyKids420-Icceman-FrankdeTank420; AZNMatt- BananaAssMonkey
Line 2: Zajac-Foxbrook-Stormer/Mike; Convict-pittzburpenguin
Goalies: Paradox; RageGamer420

Let me start off by saying that the Canucks should be renamed to the Stoners, because they have a ton of smokers on this team. I'm hoping that they use a line of 420 gamertags with either icceman, foxbrook and/or AZN Matt in the mix. While the Canucks will find an instant way to bond, their "mutual interest" could have two different results. First, weed has sometimes been called "the steroids of video games," which icceman and Foxbrook are probably hope is true. Conversely, the Canucks have the potential to run a line of 6 players who are high, which could be disastrous. Either way, expect a giant smoke cloud around General Motors Place all year long.

Players to watch: Zajac, AZN Matt, RageGamer420


League Media / Thursday's Free Agency Update
« on: April 11, 2013, 03:52:03 PM »
Four days into free agency and we still have plenty of players out there. Here's a run down of  remaining free agents.

Savy l91l- Has offers from Carolina, Phoenix and New Jersey
money mike303- No offers, FBV of 150
bergwad- No offers, FBV of 179
CrispyKids420- No offers, FBV of 258
HxC xRebelx- No offers, FBV of 240
Stormer3200- No offers, FBV of 215
eG Convict (the artist formerly known as usemelikeChEeToZ)- No offers, FBV of 200

everett67- No offers (HOW!), FBV of 192

In what is probably the strangest case this league has ever seen, Killabeatz will not sign any contracts this off-season. The former GM will instead partake in this Sunday's Draft. Killabeatz  did receive an offer from the New Jersey Devils though.

Potential Suitors
Only San Jose and Toronto have used their six veteran signings, meaning six other teams have room for players.

The Vancouver Canucks could be in the market for forwards and defensemen, as they have only signed defender AZN Matt thus far.

Montreal could also use a forward, as they have two (Liqara and budweiser) on the roster.

New Jersey might want to consider everett67 for their fourth signing. The Devils have five forwards (including owner NightBlade and GM GiantDengus) on the roster. With defense being thin in the draft, they may want to look to free agency.

Carolina may benefit from another forward. The 'Canes look pretty balance roster wise; however, adding another player may make life easier in the draft. Assuming they lose out on Savy l91l, I could see the 'Canes targeting a cheaper forward, such as money mike303,, bergwad or HxC xRebelx.

Nashville has four players signed thus far, and could be in the market for a depth forward.

Finally, Phoenix is looking to round out their top 6 with Savy l91l. Signing him would instantly bolster the Coyotes' offense and potentially allow for a combination of Savy, DRAD021191 and Spliff N Rum.

Coming up next, I'll have a pre-draft ranking of each team. Thanks for reading!

League Media / Free Agency Update
« on: April 08, 2013, 06:50:59 PM »
After 24 hours of Free Agency, here is the remaining free agent pool:

2 Goalies: Hawksfan (Offer from San Jose) and NellDBI (No offer)

4 Defenders: Cdog4086 (Offers from New Jersey and Montreal), everett67 (Offer from Phoenix), Crisis232 (Offer from New Jersey) and AZN Matt (No offers)

10 Forwards: Letotreides (Offer from Toronto), budweiser2345 (Offer from Montreal), Spliff N Rum (Offers from Phoenix and Montreal), Savy l91l (Offer from Carolina), DRADO21191 (Offer from Phoenix), Bergwad (No offer), CrispyKid420 (No offer), HxC xRebelx (No offer), stormer3200 (No offer), and usemelikeChEeToZ (No offer).

With plenty of players left, here is a team by team breakdown of veteran players:

New Jersey- 4 Veteranz signed (2,093 in cap space)
Toronto- 5 Veterans signed (excluding Leto, who has yet to accept his contract. Toronto currently has 1,589 in cap space)
Carolina- 4 Veterans signed (1,531 in cap space)
Montreal- 0 Veterans signed (3,300 in cap space)
Nashville- 4 Veterans signed (1,719 in cap space)
San Jose- 5 Veterans signed (1,548 in cap space)
Phoenix- 2 Veterans signed (3,008 in cap space)
Vancouver- 0 Veterans signed (3,502 in cap space)

Teams clearly have plenty of space for veteran players, so hopefully we don't see many of them in Sunday's rookie draft.

After the draft, I'll have a full season preview, broken down by conference, league and notable acquisitions and losses.

Until then, thanks for reading.

S2 / The Illogical Logic Season Preview
« on: January 28, 2013, 07:28:06 PM »
Hello, and welcome to Illogically Logical predictions, where I, x Bad At Life x, have given each team points based off of rosters and personalities amongst other things.

Disclaimer: This thread is purely my opinion and based off of my illogical logic. If you get butt-hurt while reading this thread, please consult Rendo, as he has some great numbing creams. Seriously though, this thread is meant to inject some life into the forums and give you, the reader, a good laugh.

Letís start in the West with the Minnesota Wild
Owner: NightBlade467. GM: TDMK Sean. Keeper: Copy guy bri

+20 for not having a sausage fest (Good work Nell)
+38 for Copyís ageÖ I think
-300 because copy was born in 300 B.C.
+70 for having a Ninjah on the team
-69 for misspelling the word ĎNinjaí
+50 because I want to know what a Ďnight bladeí is
Total Score: -191

Why theyíll succeed: you have a nastythug and a hero on your team
Why theyíll fail: Copy was your keeper and you have a Crisis already.

Chicago Blackhawks
Owners: x Toews 19x. GM: xJerseyDevil

+30 for having a player on the next level
-25 for having a player who is made of two faces
-100 for having two players with New Jersey Devils related gamertags
+50 because the real Toews looks Amish with a beard
+20 for Blackís sexy French defense
-200 for Blackís sexy French defense
Total Score:  -225

Why theyíll succeed: Blackís sexy French defense
Why theyíll fail: A girl will come into your party mid-game, thus throwing off Blackís sexy French defense

Winnipeg Jets
Onwer: xWantedx Canuck. GM: Giant Dengus

-30 because Winnipeg is really freaking cold
+20 because Tyrant is a good person
-1,000 because you share a name with a crappy NFL team
+150 for having a guy named Giant Dengus
+60 for having a guy made of beef
+5 if that beef is angus (+500 if I can eat it, no h o m o)
Total Score: -800; however, this could go to -295 if the beef is angus and I can eat it

Why theyíll succeed: Tyrant is good people.
Why theyíll fail: You have a tyrant on the team and Iíll probably eat Mr. Beefy. Plus, your team name is the Jets. When was the last time a team named the Jets didnít fail?

New York Rangers
Owner: iMurderMittens. GM: Epic17g

-200 for having violently named players (Crosscheck, MurderMittens)
+100 for having a creamsicle
+30 because Everett is a good person
-60 for mob affiliation (VitoCorleone)
+20 for having an epic g
-30 for having a doubter
Total Score: -140

Why theyíll succeed: A crosschecker, murderer and mob affiliation
Why theyíll fail: A crosschecker, murderer and mob affiliation

Toronto Maple Leafs
Owner: Terrance6. GM: XxKILLABEATZxX

-300 for being the Leafs
+50 for Rum
-60 for marijuana because marijuana is bad míkay
+12 for best beat boxing team in the league
+200 for Rendoís homo-erotic in game comments
-1,000 because you drafted Rendo
Total score: -1098

Why theyíll succeed: N/A, theyíre the Maple Leafs
Why theyíll fail: Theyíre the Maple Leafs

Buffalo Sabres
Owner: Heavymetalriff. GM: Preds 4 3rd Round. Keeper: Fluxay

+60 because Slam is really good.
-79 because Luke drafted someone who is bad at life.
-100 because the GM is from Tennessee
-200 because Boski actually knows and is friends with Devils Maniac outside of the box
+5 because Budweiser is beer
-300 because Budweiser is pretty putrid beer
Total score: -604

Why theyíll succeed: Slam and Flux will carry the team
Why theyíll fail: The fatness of myself and heavymetalriff will force Slam and Fluxay to retire due to chronic back pain.

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 EoC Schedule -

S7 Preseason
Mon @ 11PM
NJ Tyrant & Krnsdad(A)
Tue @ 10PM
Krnsdad & NJ Tyrant(A)
Tue @ 11PM
Krnsdad & NJ Tyrant(A)
Wed @ 10PM
GamingRendo & Fluxay(A)
Wed @ 11PM
GamingRendo & Fluxay(A)
Thu @ 10PM
copyguybri & NellDBI(A)
Thu @ 11PM
copyguybri & NellDBI(A)

ECU Requests must be sent
to both Executives on call.

 BoD List -

Boston Bruins
Owner: Tcx6plus1

New York Rangers
Owner: Kastor N Pollux


Tampa Bay
Owner: xwantedxcanuck

Toronto Maple Leafs
Owner: shady5545

Anaheim Ducks
Owner: Frazier4Heisman

Owner: jaxsonpride

Colorodo Avalanche
Owner: Jewbawwka

Owner: Habfan5693

Los Angeles
Owner: Jarreaux

 Raffle News -

GRHL Facebook Raffle Winners - 3rd Place - Miz3da5reaper0 ($10 Gift Card & 250 Tokens) - 2nd Place - honoitsdanglerqc ($10 Gift Card & 250 Tokens) - 1st Place - MadeOfTwoFaces ($20 Gift Card & 500 Tokens)

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